Been a bit of a week - Part 3of3

Here's another interesting thing that came up in the past week - remember when I was talking earlier about my whole pre-going-to-the-party state of mind and not necessarily feeling in the most confident place a week previously? Take that and add 5 days of seeing nothing but the living room walls. And my housemate of course, but to be honest, I'm fairly certain that she's desensitised to my undulating wierdness. By the time Thursday arrived I was about mobile enough to go out again. We were off to see a show some friends were putting on at the WMC in Cardiff.

The interesting thing is that I genuinely felt anxious about this. I am not it would seem, someone who does well with being away from human beings for extended periods of time. I got a glimpse of what it must be like to be someone who just gets anxious about stuff. I don't really - I get upset, or angry, or confused and loads of other stuff but nervousness (especially the social version) isn't generally something I have to deal with. Xanax is an anti-anxiety drug. And it's nice. So I thought, "Yeah, that'll be a handy little parachute back into the real world. Job Done."

Mostly though, I just felt a little bit like I was failing at a job interview all night. I have no idea what it was like from the outside, it probably wasn't even that noticeable but from the inside it felt like a 16-car pile-up of awkward conversations and me mostly saying the wrong thing and giggling a lot. Plus the inevitable constant drawing attention to the fact that I was being wierd by apologising for being wierd and intense and attempting to explain the reasons why I was being wierd and intense. Nicely done. I can almost see my father reading this and wishing that at some point in my life he'd managed to teach me the one lesson I've apparently flatly refused to learn; When to shut the fuck up. Fortunately currently, reading this is optional to you, my audience. But imagine if it wasn't? AM I BEING INTENSE?! AM I!? I'm cringing just writing it. And that takes a lot.

The social situation on Friday was a bit more manageable - seeing a band at a local pub. It was noisy and stuff was going on so conversation not so much required. As soon as the band finished and we were in the garden though, it was all back. The Xanax didn't help then either. I can see in retrospect that (and this is where it gets to the potentially-useful-information stage) actually, what they were doing was numbing my emotional intelligence and communication skills. Rather than calming me down they were making me less in control and therefore reversing the process. 

Funnily enough, Ritolin is an upper, bascially, and you give that to people with ADD. I guess it's the same logic - a drug is designed to work on a specific part of the brain of a specific type of person for a specific reason. It's like these scientists know what they're doing or something, huh? I didn't really think about that at the time though, as I said, it's not an unpleasant feeling....Saturday was a smaller social thing again. We had a few people over to the house. My leg wasn't really up for a firework display and there was plenty of wine so I only took a few later on to help me sleep. I haven't gone to sleep sober in a LONG time as I am now, writing at 5am, acutely aware of.

All seemed fine though and, upon going to bed I figured that'd be the end of my little relaxation period until I woke up Sunday morning and my liver hurt like fuck. A bit of googling reminded me that the liver, whilst we all know as being the filter for booze, is also made to work really hard by Benzodiazapams. Although this could be a side-effect of another injury I recently sustained - bruised intercostal muscles which are right in front of my liver. Can you bruise your liver? Answers on a postcard...I did take a bit of a knock.

So essentially, I've potentially pushed it too far, I'm off the booze, the caffiene and everything else. And I can't fucking sleep. Shouldn't take more than a few days to clear through I'd imagine but my stars, it’s been a bit of a week with one thing and another. I honestly feel like I've been emotionally and physically put in the hot cycle of a tumble drier for about 2 hours. Mostly internally too. I nearly even wrote a new song...it's nice having my piano back :) 

So yeah, that's about it for the trilogy. A few different things have come up in this particular episode(s) and one way or another, they all link together. That's why I've talked about them. We all fight the work/life balance battle every day, some are better at it than others. People work too hard, people get lonely and people sometimes need help. If you need it, ask for it, you probably have more access to it than you think. For me, the life-gaps aren't completely full (I mean, are they ever? Is it ever perfect? Probably not) but the important thing to remember is, you can't fill them with anything that comes in a blister pack or a bottle. 

I'm certain that as a nation, we don't talk about this stuff enough and if it makes me look like a sketchy waster to say it all about myself on the internet then so be it. Those who know me I hope, will assume that I'm not trying to be wacky and cool, writing this has actually been quite hard and pressing the 'send' button even harder. So why do I do it? I'm just keeping my promise to myself and being honest on my blog about my experiences. Reading is, as ever, optional. I welcome feedback too - and that's the other reason for writing this....If people read it, great. If they enjoy it, even better but if by chance anyone gets a shred of useful information or comfort out of it? That's amazing and worth every word.

As ever, to all those who deserve them, many thanks. And apologies. Except to the person who 'accidentally' took my coat and then returned it 3 days later when I'd obviously considered it gone and sorted a new phone etc..etc.... Thanks for doing the honest thing and returning it, eventually. It's a nice coat. But you are a fucking idiot.

Today, as I post this, I'm feeling pretty good. I've just had a smoothie and I'm getting stuff sorted for whever I finally leave for UAE. Just to prove it, here's a picture of me grinning like a crazed twat.

T'ra for now! xxx

Been a bit of a week - Part 2of3

So, at the very solid yet compassionate advice of one of the few people in the world who can talk sense into me when I'm suggesting stupid stuff (like overnight gigs in London the week before I potentially fly off to the UAE for 6 weeks) I resolved to take it easy for a bit. Which I'm now doing until I leave.

This didn't end up happening initially however. I wasn't really in the mood for seeing people that night despite the very comforting phonecall but I sent a few text messages to see what was happening and went out to a house party. My leg started hurting so I tried to leave only to discover that some fucktard had taken my coat with the keys to my Housemate's car, and my phone, in the pocket. My bag and keys were in the car. 

Cue trying to find my phone on Google Latitude via a laptop, waiting for all of the increasingly-drunken people to leave so I could look for the coat properly and still not finding it. My housemate was away so I had to wake a friend around the corner up at 4.30am, get keys to into my house, get into my van, go back and put a lock on the wheel of the car until I could find out from my housemate where the spare key was (in case someone decided to help themselves to the car - as has been known) and THEN get to bed. I'd tried to leave the party at about midnight and got to bed about 5.30 in the end. my leg HURT.

The next day was not good. I couldn't even walk. If my leg was elevated it was fine but the process of standing up and walking up the stairs to go to the loo resulted in the kind of pain that gives involuntary screams. None of this malarkey where you know you'd probably be a bit quieter if there was someone in the house but  top-of-the-voice yells. We have new neighbours. We haven't met them properly yet. That'll be fun. My housemate arrived home the next afternoon and my leg looked like this

It was remarked on by a knowledgable friend on Facebook that it could be fractured so I and my ever-forgiving-and-caring housemate went off to A&E on the Sunday to get it xrayed, fortunately it's just bruised and is now healing nicely. Woo. That was over a week ago and therein began the other thing this blog is about. Chemicals. The ones that make you sit down and make things not hurt - not the ones that make you dance around like a sweaty moron and think that everyone in the room is wearing glasses.
As a performer, it's easy to spot the patterns that can so easily develop with relation to booze and drugs. Or, even, the concept of escapism and celebration. It would be VERY easy to become habitually dependent quickly. Have a good show? Time for a celebratory drink. Have a shit one? Time for a consolatory drink. No boss to tell you off in the morning, fuck it, if you really can't be arsed, just don't go to work. I'm definitely not judging.

I drink a bit daily. I'll have a couple of beers or, usually, a couple of glasses of wine. I don't actually think that's particularly unusual but I also think I probably drink a little too much. Sometimes, if neither of us are working the next day, it'll be a 2-bottle-of-wine night in my house. Again, not the end of the world and in fairness to my housemate, I do drink about a third quicker than her. I have therefore, been looking forward to giving my liver a rest and jetting off to the United Arab Emirates where the attitude to alcohol is something slightly different. Bonus detox. I managed a week at Eden but that was only because I was so fucking hungover driving down there from a night out in Bristol that even the thought of stopping off to buy a 2-week supply of booze filled me with nausea. Of course, by the time the final-show party arrived I'd have punched an old lady in the face if it meant I could steal her Gin and Tonic. Fortunately, there was plenty of Rum. It wasn't easy. Unexpectedly such. And that's when you have to have a serious think about your relationship with whatever chemical it happens to be.

Overall, I'm definitely a fan of stuff that makes me sit down and just.....stop. Which I find difficult. Booze does it very well - my brain can rest and also, as I've recently discovered, subsequently sleep. Getting to sleep stone-cold sober the past few nights has been a pain in the arse. I'm not a smoker so getting stoned isn't really on the agenda for chilling out if I want to be able to breathe the next day. But by now I know well and good what will not only stop stuff hurting (and it did fucking hurt, believe me) but will bring a nice fuzzy cloud over the rest of my evening. 

The Hospital gave me (after some persuasion) a couple of really strong coedine tablets and by the time I got home I was feeling considerably better about the whole thing. Now, over-the-counter coedine isn't that strong. It's mixed with high doses of paracetamol because it's addictive. The problem with this is, in fact, it's got so much paracetamol in it that to get anywhere near enough to take the edge off the pain I was in would involve me taking so much paracetamol that I would probably start foaming at the mouth. So I just didn't bother. What I did have though, were some Ibuprofen (for the anti-inflammatory purpose) and some Benzodiazapams. 

I had a week on the sofa ahead of me - what was I supposed to do? I'm not going to lie, I took a few Vallium. For the pain, Right?

Good. Long as we understand each other. More in Part 3 tomorrow....  

Been a bit of a week - Part 1of3

Post 1 of 3. Split in an effort to make it actually more readable and interesting!

OK, let me get this out of the way - this might not be one of the fun ones. Sounds a little bit like an introduction to an episode of "When Blind Dates Go Wrong" or some scraping-the-barrel reality TV show doesn't it? What I really mean however, is that when I first started this blog all those many moons ago it was on the internal premise that I outlined the rough with the smooth. I Blog my career because I think people might find it interesting and that of course, doesn't always mean 'nice.' I'm writing this at 4am on the sofa because I can't sleep and I know that the reason I can't sleep is related to many things - emotional, circumstantial and chemical. But more on that in a bit.

One cool thing did happen recently. I was interviewed by the lovely guys at The Busking Project about what's happening to the SPA in London. Check out their website if you havent already. They're great.

So anyway, what's been happening? Well I recently returned from Argentina where I was doing something that I can't quite tell you all about yet but soon enough I'll be bragging left right and centre so it's not a great loss at this stage, trust me. On said trip I got injured. I bashed up my leg, bruised my ribs and have now also apparently damaged my wrist in some way. All a bit annoying. I came back into the Country feeling rather sorry for myself and, as often happens when one is plunged into a situation with a new group of people, I did a lot of self analysis. The Streetperforming section of my career often leads to this and I've spoken about it before I know. Lets just say this time round I came back feeling acutely aware of gaps in my life that aren't currently full. 

I started to realise that I don't get that much actual feedback from life. By 'feedback' I mean there's no centralised area of my life that knows about all of the rest of my life. Some people get this from family, relationship, job, whatever. I however, live in two cities, I'm single, I don't live at home and I have lots of different career stuff happening simultaneously. Recently it's just begun to feel a bit disparate and lonely. I've spoken to many people (both performers and not) about this and everyone has their own mechanism(s) for dealing with or failing to deal with it. I'm not sure what mine are yet, I'm not equipped to deal with it though I don't think. I posted a while ago about confidence and this is linked in some way I guess but the best way to explain it would be thus; The lonely person is used to being lonely. I dont have the coping mechanisms yet so I'm at a bit of a loss. It's not a tremendously serious problem (I mean, this whole blog thing is all about over-self-analysis, right?) and it does, also, lead on to the rest of this post quite nicely so I'll leave it as a subject for now and continue onwards....

Some weeks ago, when I described my emotional experiences at the Eden Project (namely hearing of the passing of my dear friend Shelly) another very good friend pointed out to me that I had been an idiot. She was right. I didn't follow the advice I'd have given to myself in that situation - at any point I could have picked up the phone and heard the sound of a familiar and friendly voice. Not only that, but the voice of someone who knew me well enough to know what to say to me to make me feel better and not like I was on my own in my van in a field. Once again, it's prudent at this point to state that the Circus people and, indeed, my friends in Cardiff are fucking awesome but the network of people I was/am part of in London is a group I've essentially done my growing up with. You can't recreate that very easily, as I am continually discovering. I'm sure I can't be the only person who moves to a new place and feels like that, In fact, I've spoken to others. It's just the way it is with familiarity. But I digress....

What's interesting, is how difficult it actually IS to make that phonecall. We don't just talk about it do we? When we give/are given advice or comfort it's almost always because it comes up in conversation, not because the conversation has been instigated for that reason. At least partially someone might lead a conversation some way if they conciously or subconcisouly need help but to actually put up the flag directly is a very hard thing to do at least for me. Maybe other people are better at it because they're more in touch with when they need to actually take that step. 

I get very little time just chewing the fat and talking bollocks with the people who know me best these days so I'm having to get a bit more efficient at talking about the proper stuff when I do see them. I guess one of the main reasons I'm talking about it now is that I'm not ashamed of it, and neither should anyone else be. Talking about stuff is good and actually, so is a bit of vulnerability as a learning experience.

So back to last week -  I'm out of my comfort zone again, feeling a bit undecided and foetal again and I think it's about time I learnt my fucking lesson, practiced what I preach (I'm FOREVER telling people they're silly for not picking up the phone or asking for help if they're upset) and make the phonecall. So I did, and it really helped. The person I spoke to (at?) didn't have any magic solutions to anything (in fact we disagree fundamentally - she thinks I just want a girlfriend) but it felt really really good to have a) made the call and b) just had a sounding board for the mess that was souping (I like that as a verb - I might keep it) around in my head. 

The upshot of all of this was that I needed to rest my bashed up leg and relax a bit for the still-apparently-happening Abu Dhabi trip. I wasn't healed and I was freaking out about having to do too much stuff. I'd had a day or two on the sofabed and figured it was about time to get back into doing things but I took my friend's advice, cancelled some upcoming work I had (which I can tell you, is NOT something I do) and resolved to chill out for at least a week or so. 

How did I get on? Find out tomorrow......

Confidence is a preference - The parallels of life and Street

Confidence is so perpetual. Some of it leads to more of it, less of it leads to none of it. The latter process is, unfortunately, much more swift. That is to say, it wanes far easier and more quickly than it waxes. Getting any form of confidence back on the Street after a horrible West Piazza show some months ago took a very long time and actually, having had a couple of weeks off on holiday to think things through, I'm still really positive about what lies ahead. I'll be back working the West on weekdays on my return to the UK and I'll hopefully be doing proper shows for proper money this summer. The tent thing with Gary remains to be seen but again, is looking hopeful too. Things are good. Rest assured though, I could easily do the same again and I make no mistake of that. For me now, Street confidence is really quite ephemeral and it's everything I can do to hold onto it and try not to let the bad shows affect me. I'm sure when I get home I'll end up doing a couple of shockers and feel the kick in the teeth again while I get my rhythm back. Standard stuff. But hopefully this time, I'll be able to hold onto what I built up before I went away and the bad bit wont hurt too much or last too long.

Confidence is weird too. It's something I write about in this blog a lot and it's very much relevant to my journey into/through the Entertainment industry but in life, it acts the same sodding way. In life, my self-confidence is lower that it's been in a *really* long time. It's not something I've normally had problems with - I was given a decent level of self-esteem by my upbringing and ability to mostly succeed at stuff I put my mind to, no catholic guilt or major self-image issues and no real reason for the change in mindset other than the beginning of the change leading to more of it happening. It's perpetuality, in other words.

I've been single for a while now, since August actually and there haven't been any meetings (for want of a better word) of a romantic nature since then. This may or may not be the reason but, like everyone, I get a bit strange when it goes on for that long. I've never been particularly good at talking to people I fancy but at this stage of the process I completely forget. I say stupid, inappropriate and unfunny things. I make myself cringe because I try too hard. I start to ask myself horrible questions like "Why him and not me?" and "Why couldn't I be a bit more, yknow, mainstream?" A few of you will get what I mean by this - if you don't, the meaning is pretty obvious. Take it as read. 

At nearly 28 I should really be over this by now I think and I apologize if you are one of the unfortunate people I have recently hit on. But it's far from the end of the world, my life is pretty much the opposite of relationship-suitable at the moment and my views on them are far from regular or popular. This doesn't bother me really but it's true.

Friendships too, are in a similar boat. I've been let down badly by a few people in the past 6 months. Really badly. In ways that someone who normally judges characters well and takes a long time to trust people normally doesn't have to endure. This makes me question other friendships too. I try to meet it positively (as in, if I wanna see someone, see them) or neutrally (as in, just don't think about it - be normal for fucks sake!) but it doesn't really work. I question things, needlessly feel guilty and a bit worthless and if something nice happens, I manage to find the complete opposite reaction to it in my head. 

Being away from my friends doesn't help. No-one can be expected to keep someone in mind for ever when they're not really around. And I'm not. I kinda feel now like it's only a matter of time before I go back to London and only have a few places to go. There are some people I know I'll never lose but y'know what? I've "known" that before. It's a matter of trust I guess, and mine's been shaken. I just have to do my best to not let it fuck up all of the other friendships that I *don't* have a reason to doubt. If I start that, I *will* fuck them up just by being different with them. Probably ridiculous, but definitely again, very perpetual. It's a loop to be broken and at some point it will. I think.

So, in short, feeling good about my show confidence and persona but feeling pretty darn rubbish about myself other than that. The two worlds perpetuate themselves, it would seem, but not each other. They don't parallel. Or do they? One theory would be, am I now at the stage where I need to do shows to feel good about myself off stage? It has helped in the past, I guess we'll find out in the next few days and I'll be sure to let you know. This time away, during which I've (as usual) done far too much thinking has led to another sharp decline in how I feel about me so maybe I just need to do more shows. I know there are plenty of performers out there who rely on their stage time for their life confidence but I'm not sure I fancy that really. If it becomes the case, I'll likely take steps to change it. 

Yet another fact is that the sensitivity I've learnt through doing lots of performing and being in a double-act especially is responsible for a large portion of this. I now care so much more about what people think of me and I analyse the reasons to the nth degree. So yeah, as usual, see what happens, innit? I'm gonna be landing in Berlin soon so I should probably stop. I've had a lovely time in Slovakia with my amazing Sister and I'm seeing friends for a stag party this weekend. So that's nice. 

Next week is half term where I find out what 2 weeks away does to your show when you've just started writing it. Woo. Hoo.

Wow, that was a self-indulgent one. Apologies for that ;) I really do believe though, that I should put the difficult bits in this too. Otherwise it's not a real blog, is it?

What comes next...next?

Amusing that the last blog entry was in the vein that it was. To be honest, I was a bit tipsy when I wrote it and had forgotten most of what I'd said. I guess, especially with my memory, that's the reason I'm writing this. Plus, y'know, the baying masses of readers who are salivating daily for the next stream-of-consciousness-based self-obsessed bollocks to fall out of my head. I love talking about myself though, and I make no secret or apology for that fact - it's at least optional in this sense rather than being in the same room as me when I'm doing the same ;)

But i digress. Further developments in that department since the last post - Hazel and I have in the past couple of days decided to step up the process of working separately and take at least a break from working together. She gets married shortly after Edinburgh and then goes on her honeymoon for most of October, then it’s half-term, then we try going it alone in the new year after some Xmas shows. For at least a bit anyway. There's plenty of opportunity to graduate the process and make life easy for ourselves but we're definitely gonna be setting time aside that we would've been working together to work on our own whereas before, it was only when one of us wasn't around that we'd do that.

There are many reasons for this, all of them fair and none of them about us falling out in any way which, as with the band, Im supremely grateful for. We're close friends as we have been through all of this, and thats really important. I love the girl to pieces and the one thing I've always said i won't put my career in front of is our friendship. The emotional parallels with coming out of Crossfader are interesting to note though, and I'm once again glad I had that experience to prepare me for something that has happened in my subsequent career as a performer. Still, although this has always been the plan, it's come a little bit before I expected it so there's stuff to process and no mistake. More of that in a bit.

Honestly, I think its a bit of a shame as the gigs are just starting to come in, plus we've been seen by a couple of bookers for festivals and the like up here and there are opportunities in that regard. I don't really feel like we've finished and got what we can get out of the show either - it's still being written really and the initial nose-to-the-grindstone stage seems like its just ending and we could start to rest back a bit and just run it for a while, make a bit of cash and enjoy ourselves and the work we've put in. But that's not what its about - doing a doubleact requires a lot from the people involved and the relationship(s) it affects and that affect it and without all that stuff being solid and comfortable, the rest can't happen. We've both changed so much creatively and as performers and we've got a LOT out of it but we want different things, it puts a strain on our real-life relationship and while I'm disappointed, would still rather we pared it back now than we clung onto it until we drive each other nuts. Sad, but it's the right decision.

On the flipside of course, it's been an apprenticeship into an occupation that I couldn't have dreamt of both from Haze and from Pete and I'm far from floundering in the wilderness. I have good, independent relationships with lots of the people in Covent Garden and all of the performers I've spoken to so far have been supportive and encouraging about the fact that I can, apparently, do this on my own. In my head, however (shockingly enough) it's far from that simple. Unsurprisingly, I'm shitting myself and I genuinely have no certain feeling that it'll work out. I'm my own worst enemy here which is strange, because self-belief isn't something I've ever had trouble with generally. My brain's a bit scrambled at the minute anyway I suppose - getting up here and the time running up to that was extremely stressful, I just came out of a relationship and my life-confidence is very low...let-alone my performer-confidence which (at the risk of sounding dramatic) I'm clinging onto for dear life every day whilst being up here amongst the worlds best. Lovely as they are mostly, it's pretty intimidating.

Still, there are 2 ways of looking at that. I can either focus on what I'm not, or what they are. And I have the choice to aspire to the latter rather than dwell on the former. I dealt with that a lot in my last post so I won't bang on about it too much. The good news is, I went out yesterday and did a solo fly-pitch show on the Grassmarket right near the flat. I then even went back later, tried another, failed, but didn't care and happily went back and failed again today. It would seem that the fear of not having a safety option is starting to work and I'm not seeing failure as an option really, which is good, one of the reasons for the decision and I think something that myself and Hazel both need to give ourselves the kick(s) up the arse(s) to go where we really want to go. Plus i got some awesome advice today about how to finish my show without needing volunteers which basically means i can run it for 3 people if i wanna - great!

I've been quite sad the past week - haven't really been talking that much and not wanted to socialise and I hadnt spotted it really until I spoke to my parents on Skype today and they pointed it out. I think this was why - I came up here to do solos as well as work with Hazel and I hadn't done it because I didn't think I could despite all of my good intentions. But I've got 2 more weeks up here to make the most of Edinburgh audiences and now that I've broken the duck of getting back into it after freaking myself out on the West Piazza in CG, it feels possible again. Still a million miles away/mountain to climb/insert preferred analogy here but possible at least, and the place we're now in has made it much more a sink-or-swim situation than a whenever-it-happens one. Ive got ideas, a whole winter to practice and a nice setup in Cardiff with even a bit of work to keep me going. I can't complain.

Essentially, its all on me. Which, as I've said many times, is both the best and the worst thing about it.
So...onwards then...

What comes next?

Today has been an interesting day. Well, I say interesting, its been thought-provoking certainly. Had a really lovely time up here so far, gorgeous Royal Mile show yesterday and a less-gorgeous but certainly beneficial Hunters Square show today. It was a busy draw today and we still had an ill Hazel yesterday so there havent been any full-on 2 or 3 show days yet.

Mostly, today (and yesterday for that matter) have been about remembering where the bar is for this performing lark. The world's best street performers come here to be part of the EdFringe and its stark and obvious quite how good you have to be not just to hold your own, (which we are now doing...pretty much...) but to be noticed, make a difference, find new things that no-one else has done etc..etc...if thats what you want to do of course.

That statement comes with said caveat because not everyone wants more. There are plenty of guys here who are just happy doing what theyre doing. They do shows, they travel (or they dont) and they go through life as that kind of artist. The lovely Spikey Will (who I work with in Covent Garden and have done gigs with) and another good friend of mine called Paul (hugely sweet Aussie guy) seem mostly to be in the latter category. Theyre both superb at what they do but neither seem to have that other big thing that is peripheral to their street career. I mean, doing gigs doing other stuff is one thing but so many of the others are actors, standups or whatever that it makes me wonder whether Ill ever find that 'other thing' to really put my creative heart and soul into.

Tonight i went to see another friend, Sam Wills in a silent comedy show that he's doing really well with called The Boy with Tape on His Face. It was incredible to be honest, one of those shows that has you pissing yourself laughing whilst still simultaneously wishing youd thought of it and also asking yourself if youd even be able to carry it off in a million years if you had. I find it difficult not to do this to myself sometimes. Normally when I see something like that in a streetshow, it inspires me and drives me on - if they can do it then I can, right? Its possible, they watch if youre good! But tonight kinda showed me that the way Im really going to be happy is if I find a thing that I do REALLY well, or maybe, that noone else does...at least in the same way. Something that's me, cos even my solo show isnt me, Its a streetshow that I happen to be doing, and I have no idea how Id make it other than that. Few streetshows are. Other things are in the pipeline in my brain percolating away though, Ive got a couple of music-related things to play with in the winter and there are a few business ideas which are linked to, but not involving, being a performer too. Maybe a cabaret/stage act that I can build upon will emerge from that but my talents, I think, may just lie elsewhere.

My musings also come then, from asking myself the question, will this always be enough? Now surely, I dont need to worry about this yet? True. But I know myself well enough to know that I need to at least give it thought or else Ill wake up in 10 years time and wonder what the fuck Im doing with myself. When I was in Crossfader I believed in it wholeheartedly. The music we made had me trusting completely that under the right circumstances and with proper development it could really make a splash, be worthy of 'making it' and be remembered. Im not sure that simply being remembered is what Im talking about but feeling proud enough of it that Id feel happy in a room full of other musicians/bands to talk like I was one of them and that I belonged there. Not so currently with other performers, and thats ok, but I dont think i see a day when Ill be that good, few are really, and I dont know how well the idea of finishing my working life in that situation sits with me.

So yeah, the big question, what next? It had to come sooner or later and this is much sooner than expected but I think that, after a year and a half, Im realising that Im unlikely to ever be up there with the proper big boys. Ill get good enough to make a living and do all the travelling I want to I reckon, and thats awesome, but the bar? The bar's really fucking high, and I dont do well with not having at least a plan on how to reach it. Dont get me wrong, Im in no danger of stopping this for a LONG time yet. Im having the absolute time of my life and Its helping me be a better, happier person all round, which is great.

It’s a wierd feeling though, adoring doing something you're not that good at and knowing you have a glass ceiling of how good you can get. Thats not me being down on myself, thats the truth of the matter and Im comfortable with it. Better than the other way round i suppose ;) but being really happy for me, will involve the thing I love, my talent, and the thing that makes me money being the same thing.

Check this space again in 10 years i guess, I personally have no idea where its gonna go (well I do, but currently they are many and varied) and that, conversely, is a very nice feeling indeed.

Ramblings on Talent

not mine. yet ;)

but i did come across this video on youtube where i was following links around and seeing lots of streetshows. made me excited - i do that! but also makes me wonder really....am i just pissing in the wind here? i mean, its all possible i know but is the mountain of getting into this properly surmountable? 

i dont want a lot from this whole thing really. id like to not have to worry too much about money and id like to see the world - totally reasonable requests from this occupation. people tell me id naturally make a good streetperformer just like i naturally made a good barman. theres a difference between the two though - one of them pays you for being good, the other one pays you for being likeable. i guess its good that i keep asking myself this cos itll lead me to really get it right when (if) i do. but its still hard. im sitting here covered in filth having spent the day stripping paint and burning myself on a heatgun and all i can think about is that i thought itd be much better by now. i thought ID be better by now.

another question is, am i working hard enough? CAN i work hard enough? im constantly up to my eyeballs in things to do but dont *really* seem to be doing that many shows. if i have a break, it takes 2 days to get back into my stride and i lose pace. is the answer to fuck off the cardiff thing and move back to london so i can get my head down for a year and just get it out of the way? i moved down here to train, but im not really doing that either as im into working again now and im in that place where ive still not got enough cash but im still not doing shows. i feel a little bit like if i keep doing it in fits and starts then itll be years before i can rely on it in any way and relax. from what i gather, the people im seeing every day spent many years doing shows every day to get to where they are. EVERY day. some of them with previous relevant experience. so where does that leave me?

doesnt really help that the only reason i stumbled across it was that id seen a video of the lovely lisa lottie who's been really supportive of me and hazel and, more recently, me solo on the southbank being supercool and skilled plus one of her fella reuben kuan who's a top notch handbalancer and generally does lots of things id love to do but genuinely cant imagine myself ever doing (despite, youve guessed it, apparently having the built for an acrobat ;)). had a really interesting conversation with haze yesterday about the circus and how id love to go away with nofit state to crew one day like a guy i met recently did. apparently they really need plumbers, amusingly enough. her take on it was that i could get good enough at something to be in it if i wanted to. i think i actually laughed.

i mean, really? that good? i see some of them training and they make it look so easy. its not. i seem to have got it in my head that theres a circus skill out there that im gonna take to like a duck to water - i thought itd happen with acrobalance - not so. ariel's next, but i cant assume anything. the truth is, these people have applied themselves, dedicated their lives to a skill for a really long time. ive never been the type, thats why i never got really good at a musical instrument or any of the circus skills i did at parties when i was clubbing. like natural good. make-it-look-easy good. 

i was always of the  propensity to pick things up and then pick up another thing when it got difficult, and i still am. plus i have an unrelaxed  need to achieve thats not really good for picking up new dexterity skills - this is why i find it much easier when im battered but i cant very well do that all the time now can i? thats one of the reasons i left london! haze seemed to think that all of this can be altered with time. and shes almost certainly right, but the scale of the task has to be understood before a decision can be made as to how long it might take to achieve.

the amusing thing is, its all under my control. i can change this whenever i want to but if something comes naturally then in my head, its not supposed to be a chore or a problem, you just do it. and it works. like the right relationship. i got this mate, elliott, who picks things up really quickly and is better at most things than most people i know are at one. its great. my sis is the same - she just does things and before you know it she's proficient. not just can-do it, but understanding the mechanics of it. i cant help but feel that theres talent involved in the momentum to keep going with new things. if it rewards you, you carry on. and it rewarding you is proportional to how quickly you excel at it. 

ok, so theres an element of doing stuff for the sake of it but thats exercise - im talking skills. i once spent a full hour (broken up into chunks) trying to get the muscle-memory of juggling behind my back. i still cant do it. and ive been back to it for 20-30 minutes at a time more times than i care to remember, one club at a time, bit by bit. does it normally take people this long to learn a trick? if so, how are all the professional jugglers out there not 70 by now?! ;) i mean, the teeny tiny bit of diabolo i have to do in our show ive been doing for a year. and i still cant do it without dropping. i havent even had to find time to practice it - ive been doing it 3 times a day in the show! and its still not right. circus people are lovely too - theyll never tell you you're shit. neither will streetperformers. youre part of a community and thats lovely, but in the real world of audiences and paying customers, outside that support network, its a different story.

time will tell i guess. but time's ticking. i need to work this stuff out really so i can start to get on with my life and stop kicking my own arse all the time, cos its boring. its good to think about but none of it's getting me to be less of a jack-of-all trades. maybe thats my talent. i just gotta work out how to apply it properly.