this week is definitely a good example of how being a streetperformer is one, and no bloody mistake! we havent done shows in nearly a month and getting back into it has been difficult - the west piazza has yielded challenge after challenge. crowd control is the big one. its SO important to me (probably too much) and affects me SO much if we dont get it right but its the first thing to go when we have a tough show and the most obvious thing to ruin status if it goes wrong. i need to improve my barriers for this, definitely.
tuesday was one such show, it wasnt a total shocker but it just wasnt there and i for one, couldnt quite work out why. this is part of my battle of getting this right y'see, i want to treat it like a problem that can be fixed and it just isnt that simple - its a subtle and intuitive process that you cant just sort out with gaffa tape and superglue. not what im used to. then we get to stages where me n haze think that different things are wrong or have different ideas on how to progress, which is fine and we always communicate effectively but having another stage of question is hard, especially for something this emotional. shes got a lot more experience than me too, which is never used to make me feel less than one equally important half of a doubleact, but it does make me doubt myself in my own head. we cant agree all the time though, and like i said, stuff just gets tried and we see what happens as a general rule of thumb. which is great.
we've been doing this a year now, and in a lot ways we've done really well but in others, i cant help but think i want to be further down the line. my solo show is definitely one of them - i stupidly decided that the best thing to do tuesday after feeling a bit rubbish was to get my kit, go to trafalgar square and do some solo shows. or attempt to. or at least go there and look at the pitch and see what happened. guess which one of these options i ended up choosing...which only made me feel much worse. still, i came home and re-wrote my hatting speech which im really pleased with. essentially though, i should've done way more by now. im in the north hall next week and ive got booked shows because to be honest, if theyre not booked, i dont think ill have the bottle to do them. especially if there are no other performers around. itll come, but shockingly, im being an impatient shit about that too ;)
on the other hand - we've been doing this a year now! woooop! i still cant get my brain round what an awesome time ive had or how much my life has changed. i literally couldnt be happier with whats going on, itd be nice to not worry about money every day and itd be kinda nice if it was moving faster but big picture: this fucking rocks. ill be back in edinburgh later this year, we can start to think about travelling with it pretty soon and gigs are starting to crop up both for me and with haze. if youd told me a year and a half ago that this was my life id have probably laughed in your face but secretly been really wishing youd be right.
and so to wednesday, we did the 10.40 show, first show of the day and it built from literally nothing. we were playful, relaxed and focussed and it all went down beautifully. felt on top of the world coming off and to top it all off it was a freebie (show that noone else wanted) so we had another one at 4.40 that afternoon. the week continued nicely, we managed to get a REALLY early show off on the friday (the 10 o clock) which once again, built from a basically empty market. i think we may well find ourselves continuing to enjoy the early shows now that we've done a few. its just so lovely and quiet at that point in the day and as we dont use mics, that really helps us. plus there are a lot of families around and our show gets a good response from the kids. when its the early people really want to be brought into the day and feel part of something. theyre awake, cheerful and theres loads of anticipation. lovely.
the run finished on saturday as hazel went back to cardiff and yesterday, i did solos again. 2 shows on the southbank and then (drumroll please....) my first one in the north hall! it was pretty quiet but i managed to get a crowd. was extremely nervous but i already like that pitch a lot for working on my own as well as with hazel. its just nice as a space and (despite the high ambient noise) has a lot of focus. i felt really good after that yesterday, i made a reasonable amount of cash (not owing to the fact that im any good yet, but obviously i dont have to split it with anyone!) and genuinely did what i set out to do. i failed my first one on the southbank but i tried again and succeeded twice, and that process of developing resilience is whats gonna get me there....not the ones where its easy.
so next....
....also well worth a mention is the charity gig we did on friday with hazels new walkabout idea - the bearded lady and the strongman. we basically just talk to people in a russian accent and do a bit of acrobabalance. which was great fun, especially as out of all the roles ive ever done including henry (my role in the streetshow) this was the first one that felt truly natural and easy. i wasnt nervous, i just kinda talked to people. and that was lovely.
so yeah, proper emotional rollercaoster. its all a bit mental this, every time i feel good about it it takes me down a peg or six and every time its going badly and i wonder if ill ever manage to be solvent with it i have a show that reminds me of how hard we've worked to get to this point. essentially though, its all good. its happening and it feels right.
at this point its definitely time for me to say how much love and respect i have for that doubleact partner of mine. theres no way i couldve started doing this on my own but also, now i know a bit more, so few people in the world i can imagine doing this with.
the same goes for pete, the delicate balance of pushing and support i get from him is something rare, special and nigh-on impossible to get right. you rock lots and i love you both xxxx
