What comes next...next?

Amusing that the last blog entry was in the vein that it was. To be honest, I was a bit tipsy when I wrote it and had forgotten most of what I'd said. I guess, especially with my memory, that's the reason I'm writing this. Plus, y'know, the baying masses of readers who are salivating daily for the next stream-of-consciousness-based self-obsessed bollocks to fall out of my head. I love talking about myself though, and I make no secret or apology for that fact - it's at least optional in this sense rather than being in the same room as me when I'm doing the same ;)
But i digress. Further developments in that department since the last post - Hazel and I have in the past couple of days decided to step up the process of working separately and take at least a break from working together. She gets married shortly after Edinburgh and then goes on her honeymoon for most of October, then it’s half-term, then we try going it alone in the new year after some Xmas shows. For at least a bit anyway. There's plenty of opportunity to graduate the process and make life easy for ourselves but we're definitely gonna be setting time aside that we would've been working together to work on our own whereas before, it was only when one of us wasn't around that we'd do that.

There are many reasons for this, all of them fair and none of them about us falling out in any way which, as with the band, Im supremely grateful for. We're close friends as we have been through all of this, and thats really important. I love the girl to pieces and the one thing I've always said i won't put my career in front of is our friendship. The emotional parallels with coming out of Crossfader are interesting to note though, and I'm once again glad I had that experience to prepare me for something that has happened in my subsequent career as a performer. Still, although this has always been the plan, it's come a little bit before I expected it so there's stuff to process and no mistake. More of that in a bit.

Honestly, I think its a bit of a shame as the gigs are just starting to come in, plus we've been seen by a couple of bookers for festivals and the like up here and there are opportunities in that regard. I don't really feel like we've finished and got what we can get out of the show either - it's still being written really and the initial nose-to-the-grindstone stage seems like its just ending and we could start to rest back a bit and just run it for a while, make a bit of cash and enjoy ourselves and the work we've put in. But that's not what its about - doing a doubleact requires a lot from the people involved and the relationship(s) it affects and that affect it and without all that stuff being solid and comfortable, the rest can't happen. We've both changed so much creatively and as performers and we've got a LOT out of it but we want different things, it puts a strain on our real-life relationship and while I'm disappointed, would still rather we pared it back now than we clung onto it until we drive each other nuts. Sad, but it's the right decision.

On the flipside of course, it's been an apprenticeship into an occupation that I couldn't have dreamt of both from Haze and from Pete and I'm far from floundering in the wilderness. I have good, independent relationships with lots of the people in Covent Garden and all of the performers I've spoken to so far have been supportive and encouraging about the fact that I can, apparently, do this on my own. In my head, however (shockingly enough) it's far from that simple. Unsurprisingly, I'm shitting myself and I genuinely have no certain feeling that it'll work out. I'm my own worst enemy here which is strange, because self-belief isn't something I've ever had trouble with generally. My brain's a bit scrambled at the minute anyway I suppose - getting up here and the time running up to that was extremely stressful, I just came out of a relationship and my life-confidence is very low...let-alone my performer-confidence which (at the risk of sounding dramatic) I'm clinging onto for dear life every day whilst being up here amongst the worlds best. Lovely as they are mostly, it's pretty intimidating.

Still, there are 2 ways of looking at that. I can either focus on what I'm not, or what they are. And I have the choice to aspire to the latter rather than dwell on the former. I dealt with that a lot in my last post so I won't bang on about it too much. The good news is, I went out yesterday and did a solo fly-pitch show on the Grassmarket right near the flat. I then even went back later, tried another, failed, but didn't care and happily went back and failed again today. It would seem that the fear of not having a safety option is starting to work and I'm not seeing failure as an option really, which is good, one of the reasons for the decision and I think something that myself and Hazel both need to give ourselves the kick(s) up the arse(s) to go where we really want to go. Plus i got some awesome advice today about how to finish my show without needing volunteers which basically means i can run it for 3 people if i wanna - great!

I've been quite sad the past week - haven't really been talking that much and not wanted to socialise and I hadnt spotted it really until I spoke to my parents on Skype today and they pointed it out. I think this was why - I came up here to do solos as well as work with Hazel and I hadn't done it because I didn't think I could despite all of my good intentions. But I've got 2 more weeks up here to make the most of Edinburgh audiences and now that I've broken the duck of getting back into it after freaking myself out on the West Piazza in CG, it feels possible again. Still a million miles away/mountain to climb/insert preferred analogy here but possible at least, and the place we're now in has made it much more a sink-or-swim situation than a whenever-it-happens one. Ive got ideas, a whole winter to practice and a nice setup in Cardiff with even a bit of work to keep me going. I can't complain.

Essentially, its all on me. Which, as I've said many times, is both the best and the worst thing about it.
So...onwards then...

What comes next?

Today has been an interesting day. Well, I say interesting, its been thought-provoking certainly. Had a really lovely time up here so far, gorgeous Royal Mile show yesterday and a less-gorgeous but certainly beneficial Hunters Square show today. It was a busy draw today and we still had an ill Hazel yesterday so there havent been any full-on 2 or 3 show days yet.

Mostly, today (and yesterday for that matter) have been about remembering where the bar is for this performing lark. The world's best street performers come here to be part of the EdFringe and its stark and obvious quite how good you have to be not just to hold your own, (which we are now doing...pretty much...) but to be noticed, make a difference, find new things that no-one else has done etc..etc...if thats what you want to do of course.

That statement comes with said caveat because not everyone wants more. There are plenty of guys here who are just happy doing what theyre doing. They do shows, they travel (or they dont) and they go through life as that kind of artist. The lovely Spikey Will (who I work with in Covent Garden and have done gigs with) and another good friend of mine called Paul (hugely sweet Aussie guy) seem mostly to be in the latter category. Theyre both superb at what they do but neither seem to have that other big thing that is peripheral to their street career. I mean, doing gigs doing other stuff is one thing but so many of the others are actors, standups or whatever that it makes me wonder whether Ill ever find that 'other thing' to really put my creative heart and soul into.

Tonight i went to see another friend, Sam Wills in a silent comedy show that he's doing really well with called The Boy with Tape on His Face. It was incredible to be honest, one of those shows that has you pissing yourself laughing whilst still simultaneously wishing youd thought of it and also asking yourself if youd even be able to carry it off in a million years if you had. I find it difficult not to do this to myself sometimes. Normally when I see something like that in a streetshow, it inspires me and drives me on - if they can do it then I can, right? Its possible, they watch if youre good! But tonight kinda showed me that the way Im really going to be happy is if I find a thing that I do REALLY well, or maybe, that noone else does...at least in the same way. Something that's me, cos even my solo show isnt me, Its a streetshow that I happen to be doing, and I have no idea how Id make it other than that. Few streetshows are. Other things are in the pipeline in my brain percolating away though, Ive got a couple of music-related things to play with in the winter and there are a few business ideas which are linked to, but not involving, being a performer too. Maybe a cabaret/stage act that I can build upon will emerge from that but my talents, I think, may just lie elsewhere.

My musings also come then, from asking myself the question, will this always be enough? Now surely, I dont need to worry about this yet? True. But I know myself well enough to know that I need to at least give it thought or else Ill wake up in 10 years time and wonder what the fuck Im doing with myself. When I was in Crossfader I believed in it wholeheartedly. The music we made had me trusting completely that under the right circumstances and with proper development it could really make a splash, be worthy of 'making it' and be remembered. Im not sure that simply being remembered is what Im talking about but feeling proud enough of it that Id feel happy in a room full of other musicians/bands to talk like I was one of them and that I belonged there. Not so currently with other performers, and thats ok, but I dont think i see a day when Ill be that good, few are really, and I dont know how well the idea of finishing my working life in that situation sits with me.

So yeah, the big question, what next? It had to come sooner or later and this is much sooner than expected but I think that, after a year and a half, Im realising that Im unlikely to ever be up there with the proper big boys. Ill get good enough to make a living and do all the travelling I want to I reckon, and thats awesome, but the bar? The bar's really fucking high, and I dont do well with not having at least a plan on how to reach it. Dont get me wrong, Im in no danger of stopping this for a LONG time yet. Im having the absolute time of my life and Its helping me be a better, happier person all round, which is great.

It’s a wierd feeling though, adoring doing something you're not that good at and knowing you have a glass ceiling of how good you can get. Thats not me being down on myself, thats the truth of the matter and Im comfortable with it. Better than the other way round i suppose ;) but being really happy for me, will involve the thing I love, my talent, and the thing that makes me money being the same thing.

Check this space again in 10 years i guess, I personally have no idea where its gonna go (well I do, but currently they are many and varied) and that, conversely, is a very nice feeling indeed.