Confidence is so perpetual. Some of it leads to more of it, less of it leads to none of it. The latter process is, unfortunately, much more swift. That is to say, it wanes far easier and more quickly than it waxes. Getting any form of confidence back on the Street after a horrible West Piazza show some months ago took a very long time and actually, having had a couple of weeks off on holiday to think things through, I'm still really positive about what lies ahead. I'll be back working the West on weekdays on my return to the UK and I'll hopefully be doing proper shows for proper money this summer. The tent thing with Gary remains to be seen but again, is looking hopeful too. Things are good. Rest assured though, I could easily do the same again and I make no mistake of that. For me now, Street confidence is really quite ephemeral and it's everything I can do to hold onto it and try not to let the bad shows affect me. I'm sure when I get home I'll end up doing a couple of shockers and feel the kick in the teeth again while I get my rhythm back. Standard stuff. But hopefully this time, I'll be able to hold onto what I built up before I went away and the bad bit wont hurt too much or last too long.
Confidence is weird too. It's something I write about in this blog a lot and it's very much relevant to my journey into/through the Entertainment industry but in life, it acts the same sodding way. In life, my self-confidence is lower that it's been in a *really* long time. It's not something I've normally had problems with - I was given a decent level of self-esteem by my upbringing and ability to mostly succeed at stuff I put my mind to, no catholic guilt or major self-image issues and no real reason for the change in mindset other than the beginning of the change leading to more of it happening. It's perpetuality, in other words.
I've been single for a while now, since August actually and there haven't been any meetings (for want of a better word) of a romantic nature since then. This may or may not be the reason but, like everyone, I get a bit strange when it goes on for that long. I've never been particularly good at talking to people I fancy but at this stage of the process I completely forget. I say stupid, inappropriate and unfunny things. I make myself cringe because I try too hard. I start to ask myself horrible questions like "Why him and not me?" and "Why couldn't I be a bit more, yknow, mainstream?" A few of you will get what I mean by this - if you don't, the meaning is pretty obvious. Take it as read.
At nearly 28 I should really be over this by now I think and I apologize if you are one of the unfortunate people I have recently hit on. But it's far from the end of the world, my life is pretty much the opposite of relationship-suitable at the moment and my views on them are far from regular or popular. This doesn't bother me really but it's true.
Friendships too, are in a similar boat. I've been let down badly by a few people in the past 6 months. Really badly. In ways that someone who normally judges characters well and takes a long time to trust people normally doesn't have to endure. This makes me question other friendships too. I try to meet it positively (as in, if I wanna see someone, see them) or neutrally (as in, just don't think about it - be normal for fucks sake!) but it doesn't really work. I question things, needlessly feel guilty and a bit worthless and if something nice happens, I manage to find the complete opposite reaction to it in my head.
Being away from my friends doesn't help. No-one can be expected to keep someone in mind for ever when they're not really around. And I'm not. I kinda feel now like it's only a matter of time before I go back to London and only have a few places to go. There are some people I know I'll never lose but y'know what? I've "known" that before. It's a matter of trust I guess, and mine's been shaken. I just have to do my best to not let it fuck up all of the other friendships that I *don't* have a reason to doubt. If I start that, I *will* fuck them up just by being different with them. Probably ridiculous, but definitely again, very perpetual. It's a loop to be broken and at some point it will. I think.
So, in short, feeling good about my show confidence and persona but feeling pretty darn rubbish about myself other than that. The two worlds perpetuate themselves, it would seem, but not each other. They don't parallel. Or do they? One theory would be, am I now at the stage where I need to do shows to feel good about myself off stage? It has helped in the past, I guess we'll find out in the next few days and I'll be sure to let you know. This time away, during which I've (as usual) done far too much thinking has led to another sharp decline in how I feel about me so maybe I just need to do more shows. I know there are plenty of performers out there who rely on their stage time for their life confidence but I'm not sure I fancy that really. If it becomes the case, I'll likely take steps to change it.
Yet another fact is that the sensitivity I've learnt through doing lots of performing and being in a double-act especially is responsible for a large portion of this. I now care so much more about what people think of me and I analyse the reasons to the nth degree. So yeah, as usual, see what happens, innit? I'm gonna be landing in Berlin soon so I should probably stop. I've had a lovely time in Slovakia with my amazing Sister and I'm seeing friends for a stag party this weekend. So that's nice.
Next week is half term where I find out what 2 weeks away does to your show when you've just started writing it. Woo. Hoo.
Wow, that was a self-indulgent one. Apologies for that ;) I really do believe though, that I should put the difficult bits in this too. Otherwise it's not a real blog, is it?
