What comes next...next?

Amusing that the last blog entry was in the vein that it was. To be honest, I was a bit tipsy when I wrote it and had forgotten most of what I'd said. I guess, especially with my memory, that's the reason I'm writing this. Plus, y'know, the baying masses of readers who are salivating daily for the next stream-of-consciousness-based self-obsessed bollocks to fall out of my head. I love talking about myself though, and I make no secret or apology for that fact - it's at least optional in this sense rather than being in the same room as me when I'm doing the same ;)
But i digress. Further developments in that department since the last post - Hazel and I have in the past couple of days decided to step up the process of working separately and take at least a break from working together. She gets married shortly after Edinburgh and then goes on her honeymoon for most of October, then it’s half-term, then we try going it alone in the new year after some Xmas shows. For at least a bit anyway. There's plenty of opportunity to graduate the process and make life easy for ourselves but we're definitely gonna be setting time aside that we would've been working together to work on our own whereas before, it was only when one of us wasn't around that we'd do that.

There are many reasons for this, all of them fair and none of them about us falling out in any way which, as with the band, Im supremely grateful for. We're close friends as we have been through all of this, and thats really important. I love the girl to pieces and the one thing I've always said i won't put my career in front of is our friendship. The emotional parallels with coming out of Crossfader are interesting to note though, and I'm once again glad I had that experience to prepare me for something that has happened in my subsequent career as a performer. Still, although this has always been the plan, it's come a little bit before I expected it so there's stuff to process and no mistake. More of that in a bit.

Honestly, I think its a bit of a shame as the gigs are just starting to come in, plus we've been seen by a couple of bookers for festivals and the like up here and there are opportunities in that regard. I don't really feel like we've finished and got what we can get out of the show either - it's still being written really and the initial nose-to-the-grindstone stage seems like its just ending and we could start to rest back a bit and just run it for a while, make a bit of cash and enjoy ourselves and the work we've put in. But that's not what its about - doing a doubleact requires a lot from the people involved and the relationship(s) it affects and that affect it and without all that stuff being solid and comfortable, the rest can't happen. We've both changed so much creatively and as performers and we've got a LOT out of it but we want different things, it puts a strain on our real-life relationship and while I'm disappointed, would still rather we pared it back now than we clung onto it until we drive each other nuts. Sad, but it's the right decision.

On the flipside of course, it's been an apprenticeship into an occupation that I couldn't have dreamt of both from Haze and from Pete and I'm far from floundering in the wilderness. I have good, independent relationships with lots of the people in Covent Garden and all of the performers I've spoken to so far have been supportive and encouraging about the fact that I can, apparently, do this on my own. In my head, however (shockingly enough) it's far from that simple. Unsurprisingly, I'm shitting myself and I genuinely have no certain feeling that it'll work out. I'm my own worst enemy here which is strange, because self-belief isn't something I've ever had trouble with generally. My brain's a bit scrambled at the minute anyway I suppose - getting up here and the time running up to that was extremely stressful, I just came out of a relationship and my life-confidence is very low...let-alone my performer-confidence which (at the risk of sounding dramatic) I'm clinging onto for dear life every day whilst being up here amongst the worlds best. Lovely as they are mostly, it's pretty intimidating.

Still, there are 2 ways of looking at that. I can either focus on what I'm not, or what they are. And I have the choice to aspire to the latter rather than dwell on the former. I dealt with that a lot in my last post so I won't bang on about it too much. The good news is, I went out yesterday and did a solo fly-pitch show on the Grassmarket right near the flat. I then even went back later, tried another, failed, but didn't care and happily went back and failed again today. It would seem that the fear of not having a safety option is starting to work and I'm not seeing failure as an option really, which is good, one of the reasons for the decision and I think something that myself and Hazel both need to give ourselves the kick(s) up the arse(s) to go where we really want to go. Plus i got some awesome advice today about how to finish my show without needing volunteers which basically means i can run it for 3 people if i wanna - great!

I've been quite sad the past week - haven't really been talking that much and not wanted to socialise and I hadnt spotted it really until I spoke to my parents on Skype today and they pointed it out. I think this was why - I came up here to do solos as well as work with Hazel and I hadn't done it because I didn't think I could despite all of my good intentions. But I've got 2 more weeks up here to make the most of Edinburgh audiences and now that I've broken the duck of getting back into it after freaking myself out on the West Piazza in CG, it feels possible again. Still a million miles away/mountain to climb/insert preferred analogy here but possible at least, and the place we're now in has made it much more a sink-or-swim situation than a whenever-it-happens one. Ive got ideas, a whole winter to practice and a nice setup in Cardiff with even a bit of work to keep me going. I can't complain.

Essentially, its all on me. Which, as I've said many times, is both the best and the worst thing about it.
So...onwards then...

What comes next?

Today has been an interesting day. Well, I say interesting, its been thought-provoking certainly. Had a really lovely time up here so far, gorgeous Royal Mile show yesterday and a less-gorgeous but certainly beneficial Hunters Square show today. It was a busy draw today and we still had an ill Hazel yesterday so there havent been any full-on 2 or 3 show days yet.

Mostly, today (and yesterday for that matter) have been about remembering where the bar is for this performing lark. The world's best street performers come here to be part of the EdFringe and its stark and obvious quite how good you have to be not just to hold your own, (which we are now doing...pretty much...) but to be noticed, make a difference, find new things that no-one else has done etc..etc...if thats what you want to do of course.

That statement comes with said caveat because not everyone wants more. There are plenty of guys here who are just happy doing what theyre doing. They do shows, they travel (or they dont) and they go through life as that kind of artist. The lovely Spikey Will (who I work with in Covent Garden and have done gigs with) and another good friend of mine called Paul (hugely sweet Aussie guy) seem mostly to be in the latter category. Theyre both superb at what they do but neither seem to have that other big thing that is peripheral to their street career. I mean, doing gigs doing other stuff is one thing but so many of the others are actors, standups or whatever that it makes me wonder whether Ill ever find that 'other thing' to really put my creative heart and soul into.

Tonight i went to see another friend, Sam Wills in a silent comedy show that he's doing really well with called The Boy with Tape on His Face. It was incredible to be honest, one of those shows that has you pissing yourself laughing whilst still simultaneously wishing youd thought of it and also asking yourself if youd even be able to carry it off in a million years if you had. I find it difficult not to do this to myself sometimes. Normally when I see something like that in a streetshow, it inspires me and drives me on - if they can do it then I can, right? Its possible, they watch if youre good! But tonight kinda showed me that the way Im really going to be happy is if I find a thing that I do REALLY well, or maybe, that noone else does...at least in the same way. Something that's me, cos even my solo show isnt me, Its a streetshow that I happen to be doing, and I have no idea how Id make it other than that. Few streetshows are. Other things are in the pipeline in my brain percolating away though, Ive got a couple of music-related things to play with in the winter and there are a few business ideas which are linked to, but not involving, being a performer too. Maybe a cabaret/stage act that I can build upon will emerge from that but my talents, I think, may just lie elsewhere.

My musings also come then, from asking myself the question, will this always be enough? Now surely, I dont need to worry about this yet? True. But I know myself well enough to know that I need to at least give it thought or else Ill wake up in 10 years time and wonder what the fuck Im doing with myself. When I was in Crossfader I believed in it wholeheartedly. The music we made had me trusting completely that under the right circumstances and with proper development it could really make a splash, be worthy of 'making it' and be remembered. Im not sure that simply being remembered is what Im talking about but feeling proud enough of it that Id feel happy in a room full of other musicians/bands to talk like I was one of them and that I belonged there. Not so currently with other performers, and thats ok, but I dont think i see a day when Ill be that good, few are really, and I dont know how well the idea of finishing my working life in that situation sits with me.

So yeah, the big question, what next? It had to come sooner or later and this is much sooner than expected but I think that, after a year and a half, Im realising that Im unlikely to ever be up there with the proper big boys. Ill get good enough to make a living and do all the travelling I want to I reckon, and thats awesome, but the bar? The bar's really fucking high, and I dont do well with not having at least a plan on how to reach it. Dont get me wrong, Im in no danger of stopping this for a LONG time yet. Im having the absolute time of my life and Its helping me be a better, happier person all round, which is great.

It’s a wierd feeling though, adoring doing something you're not that good at and knowing you have a glass ceiling of how good you can get. Thats not me being down on myself, thats the truth of the matter and Im comfortable with it. Better than the other way round i suppose ;) but being really happy for me, will involve the thing I love, my talent, and the thing that makes me money being the same thing.

Check this space again in 10 years i guess, I personally have no idea where its gonna go (well I do, but currently they are many and varied) and that, conversely, is a very nice feeling indeed.

Ramblings on Talent

not mine. yet ;)

but i did come across this video on youtube where i was following links around and seeing lots of streetshows. made me excited - i do that! but also makes me wonder really....am i just pissing in the wind here? i mean, its all possible i know but is the mountain of getting into this properly surmountable? 

i dont want a lot from this whole thing really. id like to not have to worry too much about money and id like to see the world - totally reasonable requests from this occupation. people tell me id naturally make a good streetperformer just like i naturally made a good barman. theres a difference between the two though - one of them pays you for being good, the other one pays you for being likeable. i guess its good that i keep asking myself this cos itll lead me to really get it right when (if) i do. but its still hard. im sitting here covered in filth having spent the day stripping paint and burning myself on a heatgun and all i can think about is that i thought itd be much better by now. i thought ID be better by now.

another question is, am i working hard enough? CAN i work hard enough? im constantly up to my eyeballs in things to do but dont *really* seem to be doing that many shows. if i have a break, it takes 2 days to get back into my stride and i lose pace. is the answer to fuck off the cardiff thing and move back to london so i can get my head down for a year and just get it out of the way? i moved down here to train, but im not really doing that either as im into working again now and im in that place where ive still not got enough cash but im still not doing shows. i feel a little bit like if i keep doing it in fits and starts then itll be years before i can rely on it in any way and relax. from what i gather, the people im seeing every day spent many years doing shows every day to get to where they are. EVERY day. some of them with previous relevant experience. so where does that leave me?

doesnt really help that the only reason i stumbled across it was that id seen a video of the lovely lisa lottie who's been really supportive of me and hazel and, more recently, me solo on the southbank being supercool and skilled plus one of her fella reuben kuan who's a top notch handbalancer and generally does lots of things id love to do but genuinely cant imagine myself ever doing (despite, youve guessed it, apparently having the built for an acrobat ;)). had a really interesting conversation with haze yesterday about the circus and how id love to go away with nofit state to crew one day like a guy i met recently did. apparently they really need plumbers, amusingly enough. her take on it was that i could get good enough at something to be in it if i wanted to. i think i actually laughed.

i mean, really? that good? i see some of them training and they make it look so easy. its not. i seem to have got it in my head that theres a circus skill out there that im gonna take to like a duck to water - i thought itd happen with acrobalance - not so. ariel's next, but i cant assume anything. the truth is, these people have applied themselves, dedicated their lives to a skill for a really long time. ive never been the type, thats why i never got really good at a musical instrument or any of the circus skills i did at parties when i was clubbing. like natural good. make-it-look-easy good. 

i was always of the  propensity to pick things up and then pick up another thing when it got difficult, and i still am. plus i have an unrelaxed  need to achieve thats not really good for picking up new dexterity skills - this is why i find it much easier when im battered but i cant very well do that all the time now can i? thats one of the reasons i left london! haze seemed to think that all of this can be altered with time. and shes almost certainly right, but the scale of the task has to be understood before a decision can be made as to how long it might take to achieve.

the amusing thing is, its all under my control. i can change this whenever i want to but if something comes naturally then in my head, its not supposed to be a chore or a problem, you just do it. and it works. like the right relationship. i got this mate, elliott, who picks things up really quickly and is better at most things than most people i know are at one. its great. my sis is the same - she just does things and before you know it she's proficient. not just can-do it, but understanding the mechanics of it. i cant help but feel that theres talent involved in the momentum to keep going with new things. if it rewards you, you carry on. and it rewarding you is proportional to how quickly you excel at it. 

ok, so theres an element of doing stuff for the sake of it but thats exercise - im talking skills. i once spent a full hour (broken up into chunks) trying to get the muscle-memory of juggling behind my back. i still cant do it. and ive been back to it for 20-30 minutes at a time more times than i care to remember, one club at a time, bit by bit. does it normally take people this long to learn a trick? if so, how are all the professional jugglers out there not 70 by now?! ;) i mean, the teeny tiny bit of diabolo i have to do in our show ive been doing for a year. and i still cant do it without dropping. i havent even had to find time to practice it - ive been doing it 3 times a day in the show! and its still not right. circus people are lovely too - theyll never tell you you're shit. neither will streetperformers. youre part of a community and thats lovely, but in the real world of audiences and paying customers, outside that support network, its a different story.

time will tell i guess. but time's ticking. i need to work this stuff out really so i can start to get on with my life and stop kicking my own arse all the time, cos its boring. its good to think about but none of it's getting me to be less of a jack-of-all trades. maybe thats my talent. i just gotta work out how to apply it properly.

the emotional rollercoaster and 1 year in!

this week is definitely a good example of how being a streetperformer is one, and no bloody mistake! we havent done shows in nearly a month and getting back into it has been difficult - the west piazza has yielded challenge after challenge. crowd control is the big one. its SO important to me (probably too much) and affects me SO much if we dont get it right but its the first thing to go when we have a tough show and the most obvious thing to ruin status if it goes wrong. i need to improve my barriers for this, definitely.

tuesday was one such show, it wasnt a total shocker but it just wasnt there and i for one, couldnt quite work out why. this is part of my battle of getting this right y'see, i want to treat it like a problem that can be fixed and it just isnt that simple - its a subtle and intuitive process that you cant just sort out with gaffa tape and superglue. not what im used to. then we get to stages where me n haze think that different things are wrong or have different ideas on how to progress, which is fine and we always communicate effectively but having another stage of question is hard, especially for something this emotional. shes got a lot more experience than me too, which is never used to make me feel less than one equally important half of a doubleact, but it does make me doubt myself in my own head. we cant agree all the time though, and like i said, stuff just gets tried and we see what happens as a general rule of thumb. which is great.

we've been doing this a year now, and in a lot ways we've done really well but in others, i cant help but think i want to be further down the line. my solo show is definitely one of them - i stupidly decided that the best thing to do tuesday after feeling a bit rubbish was to get my kit, go to trafalgar square and do some solo shows. or attempt to. or at least go there and look at the pitch and see what happened. guess which one of these options i ended up choosing...which only made me feel much worse. still, i came home and re-wrote my hatting speech which im really pleased with. essentially though, i should've done way more by now. im in the north hall next week and ive got booked shows because to be honest, if theyre not booked, i dont think ill have the bottle to do them. especially if there are no other performers around. itll come, but shockingly, im being an impatient shit about that too ;)

on the other hand - we've been doing this a year now! woooop! i still cant get my brain round what an awesome time ive had or how much my life has changed. i literally couldnt be happier with whats going on, itd be nice to not worry about money every day and itd be kinda nice if it was moving faster but big picture: this fucking rocks. ill be back in edinburgh later this year, we can start to think about travelling with it pretty soon and gigs are starting to crop up both for me and with haze. if youd told me a year and a half ago that this was my life id have probably laughed in your face but secretly been really wishing youd be right.

and so to wednesday, we did the 10.40 show, first show of the day and it built from literally nothing. we were playful, relaxed and focussed and it all went down beautifully. felt on top of the world coming off and to top it all off it was a freebie (show that noone else wanted) so we had another one at 4.40 that afternoon. the week continued nicely, we managed to get a REALLY early show off on the friday (the 10 o clock) which once again, built from a basically empty market. i think we may well find ourselves continuing to enjoy the early shows now that we've done a few. its just so lovely and quiet at that point in the day and as we dont use mics, that really helps us. plus there are a lot of families around and our show gets a good response from the kids. when its the early people really want to be brought into the day and feel part of something. theyre awake, cheerful and theres loads of anticipation. lovely.

the run finished on saturday as hazel went back to cardiff and yesterday, i did solos again. 2 shows on the southbank and then (drumroll please....) my first one in the north hall! it was pretty quiet but i managed to get a crowd. was extremely nervous but i already like that pitch a lot for working on my own as well as with hazel. its just nice as a space and (despite the high ambient noise) has a lot of focus. i felt really good after that yesterday, i made a reasonable amount of cash (not owing to the fact that im any good yet, but obviously i dont have to split it with anyone!) and genuinely did what i set out to do. i failed my first one on the southbank but i tried again and succeeded twice, and that process of developing resilience is whats gonna get me there....not the ones where its easy.
so next....

....also well worth a mention is the charity gig we did on friday with hazels new walkabout idea - the bearded lady and the strongman. we basically just talk to people in a russian accent and do a bit of acrobabalance. which was great fun, especially as out of all the roles ive ever done including henry (my role in the streetshow) this was the first one that felt truly natural and easy. i wasnt nervous, i just kinda talked to people. and that was lovely.

so yeah, proper emotional rollercaoster. its all a bit mental this, every time i feel good about it it takes me down a peg or six and every time its going badly and i wonder if ill ever manage to be solvent with it i have a show that reminds me of how hard we've worked to get to this point. essentially though, its all good. its happening and it feels right. 

at this point its definitely time for me to say how much love and respect i have for that doubleact partner of mine. theres no way i couldve started doing this on my own but also, now i know a bit more, so few people in the world i can imagine doing this with. 

the same goes for pete, the delicate balance of pushing and support i get from him is something rare, special and nigh-on impossible to get right. you rock lots and i love you both xxxx

confidence and the changes in me

ok, so its 3 in the morning and im supposed to be helping someone move house in about 4 hours time but my brain, unfortunately, wont entertain the sleeping thing so i figure a publicly accessible brain-fart is clearly the way to make it all better. or at least, bring the unsuspecting readers of this blog in on my internal dialogue. which i guess is what its for anyway, right?

anyhoo, its becoming increasingly obvious to me that deciding to become a performer has many, and interesting side-effects to one's life. most notably currently being becoming much more sensitive to the events and feelings of those around me. now i am, by my own admission, a bit of an emotional robot. i do objectivity and rationality very well which sometimes, admittedly, can make me a bit intolerant or unempathetic to people and their insecurities or difficulties.

recently though, ive had a few things happen (the aforementioned 'events') and a few things said to/about me (the aforementioned 'feelings of those around me') which have been different. i wont go into them because 1) they are many and various and 2) its the blanket effect of all of these things that im talking about and am trying to get to the bottom of. im encouraged to think this through, not because i dont welcome the change you understand, (if its gonna happen its gonna happen) but because these events have completely pulled the rug from under me in ways that they never would have before. the autumn and winter of 2008 was one of the most horrible parts of my life to date and it led straight into be starting this whole new life without a break. though 2009 was amazing, it was a bit of a rollercoaster journey to say the least, especially when held up against the bit before it. lots of great stuff happened but it was by no means an easy road and the things that have happened in the past year and a half almost feel like theyre happening faster than i can process them. i had a lovely break in south america which you can read about in my other blog but even the time i had there, while it gave me lots of time to process the show and feel much better and relaxed about it since, appears to have had other, more subversive effects.

in the other blog, i describe some time spent in a peruvian hospital getting treatment for an infected mosquito bite which, for various reasons i didnt get treatment for early enough in the day - this basically resulted in a proper fever and being pumped very quickly full of some pretty strong antibiotics which gave me nightmares the like of which ive never known. and ive had some nightmares.....the result of all this has basically been me going back a step in so many of the things i spent this past year getting over and learning about myself. i was left thinking it all over again and it all coming to the surface. it was like someone chemically opened the little box in my brain that i put all the difficult stuff in once its dealt with but generally dont open again. its very odd. and its only now, a few months later that yet more things are happening and im realising exactly whats going on in my head. couple that with a whole year of show-related intense self-psychologizing and analysis (sounds narcissistic doesnt it? i wish...) and theres a whole strange melting pot of wierdness coming out of the other end that its most unlike me to experience. residual guilt, self doubt and a distinct lack of assuredness about all the things im doing.

so, for i digress, setbacks aside - what the giddy fuck is going on? from what ive been told about drama school and the whole holding-a-mirror-up-to-ones-personality thing, it doesnt sound that much different. cheaper maybe, and a massive shortcut by comparison. im not one to have a guilt reflex usually and although no-one is crazy about how they look, ive not usually been one to have a low self-image or kick my own arse too much about stuff i cant do or cant change. but the effect of feeling the need to dissect my personality from the inside and try to look at what really is and isnt likeable about me, the person i am and the things ive done has had me hating myself on more occasions this year than i care to remember.

but i do remember. not consciously, but in my actions. something will happen that i wouldve dealt with easily before - i could compartmentalize the events and aspects of the events, work out why what happened happened, why i reacted to it in the way i did, and why i was wrong or right or any mixture of the two. not so now. theres this new background level of doubt about me as a person and my interaction with the world and how im seen in it both as Arif and as Henry. its fucking wierd. some would probably say that overall, it wouldve done me good to be taken down a peg or six in the first place. that may be true, but i reserve the right to question it when it happens....especially when it really feels like its altering me from the inside out. even reading this back im starting to feel like im being melodramatic, but this whole process and my interpretation of it as melodramatic is an example of what im talking about! did i mention overthinking wasnt really something i was given to before either? ;)

im still trying to figure out whether all this is a good thing or a bad thing cos at times, it hurts. and the (large) black-and-white bit of my brain says hurt = bad rather than hurt = possibly learn stuff. but how much does it need to hurt for you to feel like youve learned enough? theres some bonus philosophy for ya ;) i guess most people in my position at my age have at least *some* performing experience so they get gradually used to this whereas ive been dropped into a pretty intense thing right out of the bat without even a drama a-level to my name. ive never had an audience properly like or dislike me before now or even a director telling me i was shit or good. even the music gigs i played were mostly for friends (which was great, dont get me wrong - but unbeknownst to me it could only ever have been a rose-tinted view of what it was gonna turn into once i got out there into the real performing world.) 

maybe i should give myself a break, this is part of the process and i shouldnt worry about it. its only feeling like this because of the type of person i am (was?) and the lack of experience i have. maybe its just that a few big things have happened in the last few months coincidentally and im overanalysing it because i have a blog to do it on? i guess that overall, i wasnt prepared for the level of carry-over that this was going to have to the rest of my life. i welcome it, really i do and i hope that its making me a better person to be around. constantly wondering if ill ever manage to do this as a career will mean ill keep putting in the effort, and thinking im too old to ever be even a half-decent acrobat (i AM too old to be a really good one i think...though plenty who know more than me will disagree) will make me train harder cos thats how my brain works. hopefully, a knock in confidence and self-image will make me more the sort of person that people can relate to and feel connected to. ive been told on more than one occasion that im most approachable when im vulnerable, which isnt that often. fringe benefit? i dunno.

the upshot is, lots is changing. but then, i wanted it to and its all very awesome now that it is. essentially im gonna do what i always do, dig in, get on with it and do my best. its not gonna beat me, this shit, but its definitely mkaing me think. its gonna have peaks and troughs, and i need to accept this. still cant cry properly though. its a wierd one that....
*shrug*

Ist proper compere gig

Photo Courtesy of Planet Angel

NYE, a warehouse in Hackney and enough bass to make your throat shake. sounds like a 4 day squat party with dogshit and techno, right? but no...this was the fantastic Planet Angel, a place where ive met the most amazing people over the past 8 years and without it would certainly not be doing what im doing today.

tried comapring here before, years ago with no experience and ballsed it up right royally if i do say so myself. having gone off and actually got some relevant stuff under my belt and with them being good enough to give me another stab at it i was understandably a *little* nervous going into it.

it all went really well though, the crowd is like nothing ive ever experienced before. as pete said having dine it himself loads of times "kinda like opening a furnace door" wicked. 

i got to announce custard, the drummer from my old band Crossfader playing a live drum set and Sly One vs Juranne (aka graham and jim, g was in the band too) making their live debut. all of whom i love lots, am very proud of and respect enormously. probably meant a lot more to me than anyone else but was definitely a privilege to be up there alongside people of real talent doing what they do best.

the year of shows has just made it all comfortable being onstage in front of people. the butterflies have gone and if something goes wrong, like a mic cutting out or something, theres no panic. i always had trouble with the filler between songs when i was gigging with the band but more stagetime and experience just means ive got over it. this was probably the first thing ive done other than streetperforming which id done before i started and did better as a result. lovely.

was also fantastic to do a VJ gig after so long, the lovely JamieB and myself used to do a lot of visual gigs when he was trying to make a career out of it and i was assisting and along for the ride. that all stopped being serious sometime ago but he asked me to come along on this one and help so i happily did. it was a stress-free rig and derig, the setup looked great and we were mostly laughing about how we used to carry 2 towers and 3 CRTs to each gig. now its a laptop and 6 inch monitor screens. heh. was a lovely bit of nostalgia to be climbing up stupidly high y-frame ladders and hanging projectors with the usual obsession of mine about alignment and jamies...shall we say...'alternative' attitude?

loads of fun. leaving in a bit to do a booked inside show in covent garden. ive had a proper sleep too so i shouldnt be too shaky and useless from the gorgeous houseparty i went to after PA ;)