but i did come across this video on youtube where i was following links around and seeing lots of streetshows. made me excited - i do that! but also makes me wonder really....am i just pissing in the wind here? i mean, its all possible i know but is the mountain of getting into this properly surmountable?
i dont want a lot from this whole thing really. id like to not have to worry too much about money and id like to see the world - totally reasonable requests from this occupation. people tell me id naturally make a good streetperformer just like i naturally made a good barman. theres a difference between the two though - one of them pays you for being good, the other one pays you for being likeable. i guess its good that i keep asking myself this cos itll lead me to really get it right when (if) i do. but its still hard. im sitting here covered in filth having spent the day stripping paint and burning myself on a heatgun and all i can think about is that i thought itd be much better by now. i thought ID be better by now.
another question is, am i working hard enough? CAN i work hard enough? im constantly up to my eyeballs in things to do but dont *really* seem to be doing that many shows. if i have a break, it takes 2 days to get back into my stride and i lose pace. is the answer to fuck off the cardiff thing and move back to london so i can get my head down for a year and just get it out of the way? i moved down here to train, but im not really doing that either as im into working again now and im in that place where ive still not got enough cash but im still not doing shows. i feel a little bit like if i keep doing it in fits and starts then itll be years before i can rely on it in any way and relax. from what i gather, the people im seeing every day spent many years doing shows every day to get to where they are. EVERY day. some of them with previous relevant experience. so where does that leave me?
doesnt really help that the only reason i stumbled across it was that id seen a video of the lovely lisa lottie who's been really supportive of me and hazel and, more recently, me solo on the southbank being supercool and skilled plus one of her fella reuben kuan who's a top notch handbalancer and generally does lots of things id love to do but genuinely cant imagine myself ever doing (despite, youve guessed it, apparently having the built for an acrobat ;)). had a really interesting conversation with haze yesterday about the circus and how id love to go away with nofit state to crew one day like a guy i met recently did. apparently they really need plumbers, amusingly enough. her take on it was that i could get good enough at something to be in it if i wanted to. i think i actually laughed.
i mean, really? that good? i see some of them training and they make it look so easy. its not. i seem to have got it in my head that theres a circus skill out there that im gonna take to like a duck to water - i thought itd happen with acrobalance - not so. ariel's next, but i cant assume anything. the truth is, these people have applied themselves, dedicated their lives to a skill for a really long time. ive never been the type, thats why i never got really good at a musical instrument or any of the circus skills i did at parties when i was clubbing. like natural good. make-it-look-easy good.
another question is, am i working hard enough? CAN i work hard enough? im constantly up to my eyeballs in things to do but dont *really* seem to be doing that many shows. if i have a break, it takes 2 days to get back into my stride and i lose pace. is the answer to fuck off the cardiff thing and move back to london so i can get my head down for a year and just get it out of the way? i moved down here to train, but im not really doing that either as im into working again now and im in that place where ive still not got enough cash but im still not doing shows. i feel a little bit like if i keep doing it in fits and starts then itll be years before i can rely on it in any way and relax. from what i gather, the people im seeing every day spent many years doing shows every day to get to where they are. EVERY day. some of them with previous relevant experience. so where does that leave me?
doesnt really help that the only reason i stumbled across it was that id seen a video of the lovely lisa lottie who's been really supportive of me and hazel and, more recently, me solo on the southbank being supercool and skilled plus one of her fella reuben kuan who's a top notch handbalancer and generally does lots of things id love to do but genuinely cant imagine myself ever doing (despite, youve guessed it, apparently having the built for an acrobat ;)). had a really interesting conversation with haze yesterday about the circus and how id love to go away with nofit state to crew one day like a guy i met recently did. apparently they really need plumbers, amusingly enough. her take on it was that i could get good enough at something to be in it if i wanted to. i think i actually laughed.
i mean, really? that good? i see some of them training and they make it look so easy. its not. i seem to have got it in my head that theres a circus skill out there that im gonna take to like a duck to water - i thought itd happen with acrobalance - not so. ariel's next, but i cant assume anything. the truth is, these people have applied themselves, dedicated their lives to a skill for a really long time. ive never been the type, thats why i never got really good at a musical instrument or any of the circus skills i did at parties when i was clubbing. like natural good. make-it-look-easy good.
i was always of the propensity to pick things up and then pick up another thing when it got difficult, and i still am. plus i have an unrelaxed need to achieve thats not really good for picking up new dexterity skills - this is why i find it much easier when im battered but i cant very well do that all the time now can i? thats one of the reasons i left london! haze seemed to think that all of this can be altered with time. and shes almost certainly right, but the scale of the task has to be understood before a decision can be made as to how long it might take to achieve.
the amusing thing is, its all under my control. i can change this whenever i want to but if something comes naturally then in my head, its not supposed to be a chore or a problem, you just do it. and it works. like the right relationship. i got this mate, elliott, who picks things up really quickly and is better at most things than most people i know are at one. its great. my sis is the same - she just does things and before you know it she's proficient. not just can-do it, but understanding the mechanics of it. i cant help but feel that theres talent involved in the momentum to keep going with new things. if it rewards you, you carry on. and it rewarding you is proportional to how quickly you excel at it.
the amusing thing is, its all under my control. i can change this whenever i want to but if something comes naturally then in my head, its not supposed to be a chore or a problem, you just do it. and it works. like the right relationship. i got this mate, elliott, who picks things up really quickly and is better at most things than most people i know are at one. its great. my sis is the same - she just does things and before you know it she's proficient. not just can-do it, but understanding the mechanics of it. i cant help but feel that theres talent involved in the momentum to keep going with new things. if it rewards you, you carry on. and it rewarding you is proportional to how quickly you excel at it.
ok, so theres an element of doing stuff for the sake of it but thats exercise - im talking skills. i once spent a full hour (broken up into chunks) trying to get the muscle-memory of juggling behind my back. i still cant do it. and ive been back to it for 20-30 minutes at a time more times than i care to remember, one club at a time, bit by bit. does it normally take people this long to learn a trick? if so, how are all the professional jugglers out there not 70 by now?! ;) i mean, the teeny tiny bit of diabolo i have to do in our show ive been doing for a year. and i still cant do it without dropping. i havent even had to find time to practice it - ive been doing it 3 times a day in the show! and its still not right. circus people are lovely too - theyll never tell you you're shit. neither will streetperformers. youre part of a community and thats lovely, but in the real world of audiences and paying customers, outside that support network, its a different story.
time will tell i guess. but time's ticking. i need to work this stuff out really so i can start to get on with my life and stop kicking my own arse all the time, cos its boring. its good to think about but none of it's getting me to be less of a jack-of-all trades. maybe thats my talent. i just gotta work out how to apply it properly.
time will tell i guess. but time's ticking. i need to work this stuff out really so i can start to get on with my life and stop kicking my own arse all the time, cos its boring. its good to think about but none of it's getting me to be less of a jack-of-all trades. maybe thats my talent. i just gotta work out how to apply it properly.
