Today has been an interesting day. Well, I say interesting, its been thought-provoking certainly. Had a really lovely time up here so far, gorgeous Royal Mile show yesterday and a less-gorgeous but certainly beneficial Hunters Square show today. It was a busy draw today and we still had an ill Hazel yesterday so there havent been any full-on 2 or 3 show days yet.
Mostly, today (and yesterday for that matter) have been about remembering where the bar is for this performing lark. The world's best street performers come here to be part of the EdFringe and its stark and obvious quite how good you have to be not just to hold your own, (which we are now doing...pretty much...) but to be noticed, make a difference, find new things that no-one else has done etc..etc...if thats what you want to do of course.
That statement comes with said caveat because not everyone wants more. There are plenty of guys here who are just happy doing what theyre doing. They do shows, they travel (or they dont) and they go through life as that kind of artist. The lovely Spikey Will (who I work with in Covent Garden and have done gigs with) and another good friend of mine called Paul (hugely sweet Aussie guy) seem mostly to be in the latter category. Theyre both superb at what they do but neither seem to have that other big thing that is peripheral to their street career. I mean, doing gigs doing other stuff is one thing but so many of the others are actors, standups or whatever that it makes me wonder whether Ill ever find that 'other thing' to really put my creative heart and soul into.
Tonight i went to see another friend, Sam Wills in a silent comedy show that he's doing really well with called The Boy with Tape on His Face. It was incredible to be honest, one of those shows that has you pissing yourself laughing whilst still simultaneously wishing youd thought of it and also asking yourself if youd even be able to carry it off in a million years if you had. I find it difficult not to do this to myself sometimes. Normally when I see something like that in a streetshow, it inspires me and drives me on - if they can do it then I can, right? Its possible, they watch if youre good! But tonight kinda showed me that the way Im really going to be happy is if I find a thing that I do REALLY well, or maybe, that noone else does...at least in the same way. Something that's me, cos even my solo show isnt me, Its a streetshow that I happen to be doing, and I have no idea how Id make it other than that. Few streetshows are. Other things are in the pipeline in my brain percolating away though, Ive got a couple of music-related things to play with in the winter and there are a few business ideas which are linked to, but not involving, being a performer too. Maybe a cabaret/stage act that I can build upon will emerge from that but my talents, I think, may just lie elsewhere.
My musings also come then, from asking myself the question, will this always be enough? Now surely, I dont need to worry about this yet? True. But I know myself well enough to know that I need to at least give it thought or else Ill wake up in 10 years time and wonder what the fuck Im doing with myself. When I was in Crossfader I believed in it wholeheartedly. The music we made had me trusting completely that under the right circumstances and with proper development it could really make a splash, be worthy of 'making it' and be remembered. Im not sure that simply being remembered is what Im talking about but feeling proud enough of it that Id feel happy in a room full of other musicians/bands to talk like I was one of them and that I belonged there. Not so currently with other performers, and thats ok, but I dont think i see a day when Ill be that good, few are really, and I dont know how well the idea of finishing my working life in that situation sits with me.
So yeah, the big question, what next? It had to come sooner or later and this is much sooner than expected but I think that, after a year and a half, Im realising that Im unlikely to ever be up there with the proper big boys. Ill get good enough to make a living and do all the travelling I want to I reckon, and thats awesome, but the bar? The bar's really fucking high, and I dont do well with not having at least a plan on how to reach it. Dont get me wrong, Im in no danger of stopping this for a LONG time yet. Im having the absolute time of my life and Its helping me be a better, happier person all round, which is great.
It’s a wierd feeling though, adoring doing something you're not that good at and knowing you have a glass ceiling of how good you can get. Thats not me being down on myself, thats the truth of the matter and Im comfortable with it. Better than the other way round i suppose ;) but being really happy for me, will involve the thing I love, my talent, and the thing that makes me money being the same thing.
Check this space again in 10 years i guess, I personally have no idea where its gonna go (well I do, but currently they are many and varied) and that, conversely, is a very nice feeling indeed.
No comments:
Post a Comment