Post 1 of 3. Split in an effort to make it actually more readable and interesting!
OK, let me get this out of the way - this might not be one of the fun ones. Sounds a little bit like an introduction to an episode of "When Blind Dates Go Wrong" or some scraping-the-barrel reality TV show doesn't it? What I really mean however, is that when I first started this blog all those many moons ago it was on the internal premise that I outlined the rough with the smooth. I Blog my career because I think people might find it interesting and that of course, doesn't always mean 'nice.' I'm writing this at 4am on the sofa because I can't sleep and I know that the reason I can't sleep is related to many things - emotional, circumstantial and chemical. But more on that in a bit.
One cool thing did happen recently. I was interviewed by the lovely guys at The Busking Project about what's happening to the SPA in London. Check out their website if you havent already. They're great.
So anyway, what's been happening? Well I recently returned from Argentina where I was doing something that I can't quite tell you all about yet but soon enough I'll be bragging left right and centre so it's not a great loss at this stage, trust me. On said trip I got injured. I bashed up my leg, bruised my ribs and have now also apparently damaged my wrist in some way. All a bit annoying. I came back into the Country feeling rather sorry for myself and, as often happens when one is plunged into a situation with a new group of people, I did a lot of self analysis. The Streetperforming section of my career often leads to this and I've spoken about it before I know. Lets just say this time round I came back feeling acutely aware of gaps in my life that aren't currently full.
I started to realise that I don't get that much actual feedback from life. By 'feedback' I mean there's no centralised area of my life that knows about all of the rest of my life. Some people get this from family, relationship, job, whatever. I however, live in two cities, I'm single, I don't live at home and I have lots of different career stuff happening simultaneously. Recently it's just begun to feel a bit disparate and lonely. I've spoken to many people (both performers and not) about this and everyone has their own mechanism(s) for dealing with or failing to deal with it. I'm not sure what mine are yet, I'm not equipped to deal with it though I don't think. I posted a while ago about confidence and this is linked in some way I guess but the best way to explain it would be thus; The lonely person is used to being lonely. I dont have the coping mechanisms yet so I'm at a bit of a loss. It's not a tremendously serious problem (I mean, this whole blog thing is all about over-self-analysis, right?) and it does, also, lead on to the rest of this post quite nicely so I'll leave it as a subject for now and continue onwards....
Some weeks ago, when I described my emotional experiences at the Eden Project (namely hearing of the passing of my dear friend Shelly) another very good friend pointed out to me that I had been an idiot. She was right. I didn't follow the advice I'd have given to myself in that situation - at any point I could have picked up the phone and heard the sound of a familiar and friendly voice. Not only that, but the voice of someone who knew me well enough to know what to say to me to make me feel better and not like I was on my own in my van in a field. Once again, it's prudent at this point to state that the Circus people and, indeed, my friends in Cardiff are fucking awesome but the network of people I was/am part of in London is a group I've essentially done my growing up with. You can't recreate that very easily, as I am continually discovering. I'm sure I can't be the only person who moves to a new place and feels like that, In fact, I've spoken to others. It's just the way it is with familiarity. But I digress....
What's interesting, is how difficult it actually IS to make that phonecall. We don't just talk about it do we? When we give/are given advice or comfort it's almost always because it comes up in conversation, not because the conversation has been instigated for that reason. At least partially someone might lead a conversation some way if they conciously or subconcisouly need help but to actually put up the flag directly is a very hard thing to do at least for me. Maybe other people are better at it because they're more in touch with when they need to actually take that step.
I get very little time just chewing the fat and talking bollocks with the people who know me best these days so I'm having to get a bit more efficient at talking about the proper stuff when I do see them. I guess one of the main reasons I'm talking about it now is that I'm not ashamed of it, and neither should anyone else be. Talking about stuff is good and actually, so is a bit of vulnerability as a learning experience.
So back to last week - I'm out of my comfort zone again, feeling a bit undecided and foetal again and I think it's about time I learnt my fucking lesson, practiced what I preach (I'm FOREVER telling people they're silly for not picking up the phone or asking for help if they're upset) and make the phonecall. So I did, and it really helped. The person I spoke to (at?) didn't have any magic solutions to anything (in fact we disagree fundamentally - she thinks I just want a girlfriend) but it felt really really good to have a) made the call and b) just had a sounding board for the mess that was souping (I like that as a verb - I might keep it) around in my head.
The upshot of all of this was that I needed to rest my bashed up leg and relax a bit for the still-apparently-happening Abu Dhabi trip. I wasn't healed and I was freaking out about having to do too much stuff. I'd had a day or two on the sofabed and figured it was about time to get back into doing things but I took my friend's advice, cancelled some upcoming work I had (which I can tell you, is NOT something I do) and resolved to chill out for at least a week or so.
How did I get on? Find out tomorrow......
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