Been a bit of a week - Part 3of3

Here's another interesting thing that came up in the past week - remember when I was talking earlier about my whole pre-going-to-the-party state of mind and not necessarily feeling in the most confident place a week previously? Take that and add 5 days of seeing nothing but the living room walls. And my housemate of course, but to be honest, I'm fairly certain that she's desensitised to my undulating wierdness. By the time Thursday arrived I was about mobile enough to go out again. We were off to see a show some friends were putting on at the WMC in Cardiff.

The interesting thing is that I genuinely felt anxious about this. I am not it would seem, someone who does well with being away from human beings for extended periods of time. I got a glimpse of what it must be like to be someone who just gets anxious about stuff. I don't really - I get upset, or angry, or confused and loads of other stuff but nervousness (especially the social version) isn't generally something I have to deal with. Xanax is an anti-anxiety drug. And it's nice. So I thought, "Yeah, that'll be a handy little parachute back into the real world. Job Done."

Mostly though, I just felt a little bit like I was failing at a job interview all night. I have no idea what it was like from the outside, it probably wasn't even that noticeable but from the inside it felt like a 16-car pile-up of awkward conversations and me mostly saying the wrong thing and giggling a lot. Plus the inevitable constant drawing attention to the fact that I was being wierd by apologising for being wierd and intense and attempting to explain the reasons why I was being wierd and intense. Nicely done. I can almost see my father reading this and wishing that at some point in my life he'd managed to teach me the one lesson I've apparently flatly refused to learn; When to shut the fuck up. Fortunately currently, reading this is optional to you, my audience. But imagine if it wasn't? AM I BEING INTENSE?! AM I!? I'm cringing just writing it. And that takes a lot.

The social situation on Friday was a bit more manageable - seeing a band at a local pub. It was noisy and stuff was going on so conversation not so much required. As soon as the band finished and we were in the garden though, it was all back. The Xanax didn't help then either. I can see in retrospect that (and this is where it gets to the potentially-useful-information stage) actually, what they were doing was numbing my emotional intelligence and communication skills. Rather than calming me down they were making me less in control and therefore reversing the process. 

Funnily enough, Ritolin is an upper, bascially, and you give that to people with ADD. I guess it's the same logic - a drug is designed to work on a specific part of the brain of a specific type of person for a specific reason. It's like these scientists know what they're doing or something, huh? I didn't really think about that at the time though, as I said, it's not an unpleasant feeling....Saturday was a smaller social thing again. We had a few people over to the house. My leg wasn't really up for a firework display and there was plenty of wine so I only took a few later on to help me sleep. I haven't gone to sleep sober in a LONG time as I am now, writing at 5am, acutely aware of.

All seemed fine though and, upon going to bed I figured that'd be the end of my little relaxation period until I woke up Sunday morning and my liver hurt like fuck. A bit of googling reminded me that the liver, whilst we all know as being the filter for booze, is also made to work really hard by Benzodiazapams. Although this could be a side-effect of another injury I recently sustained - bruised intercostal muscles which are right in front of my liver. Can you bruise your liver? Answers on a postcard...I did take a bit of a knock.

So essentially, I've potentially pushed it too far, I'm off the booze, the caffiene and everything else. And I can't fucking sleep. Shouldn't take more than a few days to clear through I'd imagine but my stars, it’s been a bit of a week with one thing and another. I honestly feel like I've been emotionally and physically put in the hot cycle of a tumble drier for about 2 hours. Mostly internally too. I nearly even wrote a new song...it's nice having my piano back :) 

So yeah, that's about it for the trilogy. A few different things have come up in this particular episode(s) and one way or another, they all link together. That's why I've talked about them. We all fight the work/life balance battle every day, some are better at it than others. People work too hard, people get lonely and people sometimes need help. If you need it, ask for it, you probably have more access to it than you think. For me, the life-gaps aren't completely full (I mean, are they ever? Is it ever perfect? Probably not) but the important thing to remember is, you can't fill them with anything that comes in a blister pack or a bottle. 

I'm certain that as a nation, we don't talk about this stuff enough and if it makes me look like a sketchy waster to say it all about myself on the internet then so be it. Those who know me I hope, will assume that I'm not trying to be wacky and cool, writing this has actually been quite hard and pressing the 'send' button even harder. So why do I do it? I'm just keeping my promise to myself and being honest on my blog about my experiences. Reading is, as ever, optional. I welcome feedback too - and that's the other reason for writing this....If people read it, great. If they enjoy it, even better but if by chance anyone gets a shred of useful information or comfort out of it? That's amazing and worth every word.

As ever, to all those who deserve them, many thanks. And apologies. Except to the person who 'accidentally' took my coat and then returned it 3 days later when I'd obviously considered it gone and sorted a new phone etc..etc.... Thanks for doing the honest thing and returning it, eventually. It's a nice coat. But you are a fucking idiot.

Today, as I post this, I'm feeling pretty good. I've just had a smoothie and I'm getting stuff sorted for whever I finally leave for UAE. Just to prove it, here's a picture of me grinning like a crazed twat.

T'ra for now! xxx