We’re often told that having a clear purpose is the key to a fulfilling life, yet defining and sticking to that purpose can feel elusive and overwhelming.
Many of the posts in this blog reference my own journey of being challenged by this very process. If you’re interested I’d try this one, this one and this one.
My transition out of performing is here and here.
First thing to remember however is….
Purpose is Trixy!
Purpose is difficult to find. We all know it. Not least because when thinking about what we do day-to-day, is our daily activity even focussed on one cohesive thing?
I’m an obsessive time-tracker and reviewing it (as I do every month-ish) is often both eye opening and confronting. I’ll freely admit that I don’t know what I want to do / be / achieve at this point in my life but still, when you align what you think you are all about against where your time is going, it can scramble your eggs.
It’s even more difficult to stick to once you work it out. I thought I knew, now I don’t. But when I did, life was still really fucking distracting. Sign of the times I guess…..
Now before I go any further, I’m going to acknowledge that I’m the first generation in my family to even be able to consider this question. The 2 generations (ie everyone I met) in my family before me did NOT have that option. This is of course an incredible privilege but ultimately it means I’m working it out for myself rather than from familial guidance. My family are awesome and my Sister particularly, is very skilled in this kind of thinking, but there’s no path. No lineage. No starting point really apart from being white, British and middle class. A blank canvas is an intimidating thing….
This also makes things trixy when thinking about the beliefs I was given. Yes, there’s a lack of purpose but I was definitely handed down some views on the world. Overall, I’d say they’re in opposition. I was raised with working class values and I now have the resources to live a very different life. I’ve therefore formed different beliefs about how to give value to the world and be actualised compared to my upbringing.
I know. Boo hoo. Fortunately this isn’t a blog about defining purpose, or what mine is. This one comprises observations of how it seems to manifest in other people, and some opinions. Of course. I find the way people rank certain activities fascinating, as well as the stories they tell themselves about how those decisions are reached (more thoughts on ‘story’ and what that means here)
Trump Card Priorities
We all have to prioritise our time because despite what the productivity industry would have you believe, we can’t live two lives at the same time*
My health and recovery is a priority. A year ago I had a pretty terrifying health scare which has now manifested into an MS diagnosis so since then (and for a good chunk of time before that) I’ve become very focussed on my health as I’ve drifted into middle age. I spend a lot of time on it and it’s close to the top of the list of where my money is best used. I’d honestly give up almost everything before I didn’t have a gym membership and a few apps that I rely on for tracking stuff.
This is often confronting to people. And that’s OK. I value myself such as I am able and, as an ancient Indian proverb says “A healthy person has a thousand wishes, but a sick person only one – to get better”** So that’s a huge part of my purpose right now.
Validation and believing we deserve things is important and guides so many of our behaviours, how we show up in relationships etc etc. Hence the Trump Cards anaolgy.
What do I mean by ‘Trump Card?’
Imagine an area of someone’s life that will immediately, and as soon as it is mentioned, be assumed to supersede everything else. Any plan, any other activity, anything whatsoever pales into insignificance next to this solid and definite threshold that they want to cross.
Imagine someone who has been trying for many years to have a baby. This involves lots of medical appointments, deadlines based on physiology and I can only imagine how much money and heartache. Now imagine a person who is laser-focussed on becoming an artist. musician, painter, you name it. This requires a daily commitment to creating, a dedication to consistency, and probably very long days fitting things around normal job-stuff. Both of these examples could easily be about someone who has this Big Goal alongside a full-time occupation.
Now, I have the utmost respect for people who make a decision and then focus on that goal, even when it’s difficult. You probably know people like this too but what interests me the most is the level of compromise that this person would normally be capable of and willing to engage in, suddenly and largely disappears.
This is where it gets slightly trixy again. Obviously people we love have a lot of latitude in our heads, but it's impossible not to think about what's behind it.
Validation
Why do we do things in the first place? Tim Ferriss (closest thing that I have to a hero) has a question he uses a lot:
"if no one else knew what you were doing this, would you still do it?”***
Which without doubt is one of the most insightful questions I've ever heard.
It’s good because it gets to the nub of purpose. The ‘why’ of something. More specifically, it raises the question of whether the validation for this thing is coming from outside or within. In a way whether it’s external or internal, doesn’t matter. The point is that we believe this thing is the most important thing in the world. Therefore nothing supersedes it when we are planning our week. That’s the story we’ve told ourselves about it.
Happiness and Infinite Games
Where is the line between purpose and pinning all of your happiness on one thing? For me this is about flexibility and the ever-useful analogy of finite and infinite games.****
Purpose is a moving feast. More of a guiding principle than a goal. Normally defined in quite broad terms and open to interpretation, it evolves with you as you grow and change. Purpose isn't about a single destination but rather about the journey—how you navigate life’s challenges, joys, and uncertainties. It’s fluid, allowing for the ebb and flow of different experiences and interests, adapting to new circumstances and insights.
In this way, purpose provides a sense of direction without confining you to a rigid path. It encourages exploration and growth, recognising that what fulfills you today may shift and expand tomorrow.
Pinning all your happiness on one thing leads to two possible outcomes. You either:
- Achieve the thing! And then wonder what the fuck to do next, realizing that the sense of fulfillment you expected might be fleeting, leaving you lost and searching for the next big thing to fill the void.
- Or you don’t achieve it and spiral into self-loathing, feeling like a failure for not living up to the one standard you set for your happiness. Even if you manage to avoid complete despair, it requires a tremendous amount of mental and emotional work to not hate yourself, to rebuild your sense of worth, and to find new sources of meaning.
Obviously, there’s the option where you achieve the thing and then go a bit further. For example you release an album and it went gold. You then think “Great! Now I can sell platinum!” I would argue that it's focussing on these thresholds rather than the process wich leads to a treadmill which then requires a lot of mental gymnastics to inhabit healthily.
As with many things, it’s how we look at this that defines how we feel about it.
Doing good and importing conflict
This is another area where people seem to form Trump cards. Ultimately, you can't compare your issues to someone else's because everything is relative, But people do seem to have a habit of placing their cause above everyone else's.
Again, for me, this is about motivation. Why is it so important that the Israel and Palestine conflict is resolved to a bunch of white people? I personally find the western attitude to this conflict to be reprehensible. Brenee brown did a fantastic podcast where she interviewed an Israeli and a Palestinian who both lost children in the conflict*****
The overwhelming request for both sides was “ if you can’t help, please keep out of it” so with that in mind, what is the common ‘why’ of people taking a stance here? On the one side there is the clear motivation to improve the world and help people. This is all well and good but it’s far too common in my eyes to see people doing things so as not to be percieved as bad. To be seen as good. To perform. Remember Tim Ferriss’ question….
And this is where the issue of conflict importation comes in (AKA Pathological Altruism). When that gets blown up to the proportions of a Trump Card, you’ve got a real problem and one that we’re seeing quite a lot. The energy and basic intention behind this is one of fear, not love. Of tribalism, not unity. And like many cultural norms, it bleeds out and trickles down.
I’ll give you another example. I believe that environmentalism is the new terrorism in this context. The hyperbole and tribalism around sustainability is every bit as sickening, as well as being performative and inaccurate a lot of the time. Now to be clear, I’m no denier. There is a massive problem. But let me ask you this; Why don't they fine people for stopping their car in the yellow boxes at traffic lights? It’s a hugely disruptive thing****** and yet we don’t punish it.
Why? Because it's nothing to do with the environment. Or terrorism. Or anything not in the current darling list of ways to restrict people’s freedom to do and say things. You might argue that the proportions are different, but the point is how much attention some things get.
Want a more relevant example? See the various Congestion Charging zones around the country. How much carbon are they ACTUALLY saving OVERALL? I don’t have that data, no-one does because there are too many interdependencies. Which is kinda the problem.*******
So are we really thinking that these are factful choices based on no ideology whatsoever? Or do they just win votes and make your city look progressive.. Both things are true of course, but this is a dicey way to make decisions that affect a lot of people and prompt the creation of LOTS of brand new cars.
Conclusion
In conclusion, as usual, I have no conclusion and certainly no judgements. This stuff is HARD and I have more questions than answers, which I consider to be more important anyway.
We can certainly understand that the pursuit of purpose is inherently complex, fluid, and deeply personal. It requires a balance between self-awareness and adaptability to see that purpose is not a fixed destination but a journey that evolves with time and experience.
The idea of Trump Cards highlights how certain priorities can dominate our lives, often at the expense of flexibility and broader perspective but with the understanding that we sometimes need these rules to keep ourselves on the path we want to be on. Certainly this is an individual thing also.
For my part, I believe it’s crucial to examine and KEEP EXAMINING the motivations behind our actions and priorities and to remain aware of the potential pitfalls of pinning all happiness on a singular goal. Ultimately, how we frame and pursue our purpose can determine whether we:
- Find fulfillment and stay in the nourishing arena of infinite games or...
- Fall into the traps of rigidity and external validation and get locked in the jail of finite ones.
The challenge lies in maintaining a balance. But doesn’t it always?
With love,
Ax
*Can we? I hope we can. Do you know how we can? Tell me if you do! I'm a total fucking addict for productivity and I would give anything to be able to sleep comfortably AND do more things.
** Reminded me a bit of this quote from Trainspotting: "When you're on junk you have only one worry: scoring. When you're off it, you are suddenly obliged to worry about all sorts of other shite. Got no money: can't get pissed. Got money: drinking too much. Can't get a bird: no chance of a ride. Got a bird: too much hassle. You have to worry about bills, about food, about some football team that never fucking wins, about human relationships and all the things that really don't matter when you've got a sincere and truthful junk habit."
*** Alongside "what would this look like if it was easy?" which is again, razor-sharp. I love him.
****A book by James Carse. Honestly one of the most referenced (by me) things I’ve ever read.
***** The motivation for this podcast was really quite troubling. Vitriol she received online for refusing to take a side. The comments have been removed, which might be for the best....
******Don’t get me started on people driving slowly in the outside lane of the motorway…..
*******As is the idea that carbon is the problem rather than particulates....but that's another story.
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